Watch Sarah Shrink

Broken Record

2012-02-13T08:16:00.000-06:00

I feel like a broken record. Same story, different week. I set goals and don't follow through.

This weekend, I ate coconut donuts. I had been craving coconut since Thursday, and Walmart had these yummy little critters just sitting there waiting for me to buy them. How dare they, right? And buy them I did -- eat them I did. But that is over now -- they are gone.

I tried a new recipe for breakfast cookies that I saw on Pinterest -- basically banana, unsweetend applesauce, oats, craisins, and cinnamon. I also threw in a few chocolate chips. They came out pretty well -- at 150 calories each it'll be a nice treat in the morning. It's really more like a soft granola cookie. The husband thought they were disgusting. More for me.

I need to spend some time meal-planning for this week. We've got a couple things going on in the evenings this week, so it's best if I plan ahead for the week so we are not tempted to get fast food.

And exercise, yes. I need to do that too. I am committing here and now to 25 minutes on the treadmill tonight and early morning meetings with it tomorrow and Thursday. Hold me to it!

Watch Sarah Exercise

2012-02-06T10:51:00.000-06:00

I gotta quit messin around. I made zero progress in January. And there is no excuse. I had a nice loss the first week in, got complacent, Shark Week attacked, and I came out with a slight gain for the month. There is no reason that I can't be losing at least 5 pounds (and probably closer to 8 or 10) each month. I have all of the tools. I am capable of doing this. I know that because I have done it before.

I am not sure the motivation or inspiration I need is going to come knocking at my door, so I am at a point where I think I just have to require it of myself and then just do it whether I want to or not. It's not easy to exercise at 275 pounds. Deep down though, I know it's what I really need to keep me going forward. I do not plan on jumping into anything hardcore. Just some time with the treadmill or swimming at the gym. I need to see success on the scale to keep me moving forward.

What I must keep in mind is that even though it's hard to push through 30 minutes on the treadmill or 45 minutes of swimming, it's also hard to be fat. They're both really crappy, right? So I might as well pick the one that gets me to a healthier version of Sarah.

Recipe: Longhorn Delight 0.5

2012-01-30T17:44:00.000-06:00

When we were kids, it was a treat when my Dad would make longhorn delights for us. A longhorn delight is a chocolate banana milkshake, and in its original form it requires vanilla ice cream, a couple bananas, milk, and chocolate syrup. My sisters and I would help dump the ice cream in the blender, peel bananas, squirt the chocolate syrup in, and watch them blend into a delicious shake. That chocolate banana combo is still one of my favorites.

I was looking for some variations on the old fruit smoothie, and I threw together a couple ingredients I happened to have to make a lighter version. I have no idea how many calories we were consuming each time Dad whipped one of those up, but I'd guess it was at least 400-500 calories. My version is half that (hence the name).

Longhorn Delight 0.5
1/2 banana (freeze the other half to use later)
1 Healthy Choice brand 80 calorie fudge pop (available in bulk at Costco)
1/2 scoop chocolate whey protein powder
1/2 cup skim milk

Nutritional Info: (serves 1) 225 calories, 5 fat grams, 42 grams carbohydrate, 24 grams protein

It's a little heavy on the carbohydrates, but it is delicious! I use Jillian Michael's whey protein powder, so my calculations are based on the nutritional values there -- using another brand might alter the nutritional values slightly. You could certainly use cocoa powder instead of protein powder. You could use vanilla yogurt in place of the milk and/or fudge popsicle. Chocolate frozen yogurt would work instead of the fudge pop. Enjoy!

Friday Weigh In

2012-01-27T08:33:00.000-06:00

I am down a pound from last week but that means I did not get back to where I was the week before. And I am not surprised. I just wasn't as on target this week as I was previously. Nothing major, but just a few too many snacks crept in, a little more cheese with that, etc. This morning I am going to log into my bodybugg software and set some goals.

Nothing planned for the weekend! Nothing! My Dad is retiring on the 31st so we have some shopping to do for his gift (he'll love it!), but we are otherwise free of any commitments. I plan on getting taxes mostly finished -- still waiting on some documents. My scrapbooking/photo organizing is way behind, and I have a coupon for some prints to use by tomorrow. And I have been crocheting -- I finally finished the scarf I started for my sister years ago. I am working on a scarf for myself because I need some practice before moving on to gifts for others. My Mom is teaching me as I go. The house needs cleaned. The dogs need brushed and bathed. And the Wii and Netflix have been neglected. Happy Friday!

To A Screeching Halt

2012-01-20T15:11:00.000-06:00

All them good vibes I was feeling earlier this week because I had been on track AND because I had peeked at the scale and saw good things (see how I didn't include that part?) came to a screeching halt this morning. I gained over two pounds this week!

What?

No Way!

Doesn't Make Sense.

And I was ticked!

For about five minutes that is. I threw a little pity party long enough to throw my clothes in the hamper and get in the shower.

I know I did all of the right things 99% of the time this week. I made homemade macaroni and cheese on Wednesday night and ate a reasonable portion. I counted it (all 550 calories of it).

So it's gotta be sodium, or lady business, or stress, or something. And I am not going to let that number get me down. I will just keep on moving ahead.

Have an awesome weekend!

A Good Start

2012-01-18T13:28:00.001-06:00

This week is off to a really good start in the weight loss zone. I've been diligent about tracking my caloric intake and posting it to my bodybugg program. See?!?

I haven't learned to love bodybugg's tracking software, so I currently keep track of my intake in a notebook I found at Target for super cheap (and cute). I added a custom food into bodybugg's tracker that is worth one hundred calories. At the end of the day, I just use the serving size adjustment to allow for the number of calories I ate at each meal. That means I am not tracking fat, protein, carbs, etc at this time, but I am okay with that. When I need to, I will.

My husband surprised me with a new Wii game last night so we played for 30-45 minutes. It's Mario & Sonic at London Olympics 2012. It has a few different modes, but I liked the one-on-one matches best. We did horseback riding, canoeing, track n field, and even rhythmic ribbon dancing (me like; husband not so much).

I didn't meet my calorie burn goal on Monday, but I did on Tuesday. I know it's because we played Wii. If I had not had that small amount of activity, I likely would not have hit 2800 calories burned yesterday.

I usually aim for 1700-1800 calories in, so these two days were a little lower than usual. I am okay with that. I did feel hungry at bed time last night but resisted the urge to have a snack so close to bed time.

Brownie a la Mode

2012-01-13T09:45:00.000-06:00

I am counting this week as a success. After all, I lost 1.4 pounds! I did not exercise at all. I did track every day and wear my bodybugg all but one day. We even went out for dinner last night (to celebrate -- see below)!

I decided to start this new year by focusing on my eating patterns. I want to really work on getting to a place where I am eating more fruits and vegetables, more healthy proteins, and less carbs. I think I succeeded at doing that this week. I did not hold myself accountable for exercise this week. What I realized is that I can begin this process without requiring it of myself. I can lose weight without it (obviously). I know I will need to begin to incorporate activity. And I will. I just am not going to allow myself to consider a week a failure if I don't do it. If I do, bonus!

It's funny how seeing a little success on the scale serves as some major motivation to stay on track. My nephew's second birthday party is tomorrow, so I know there will be cake and food (probably pretty healthy food, really, since my sister and her husband eat well). I want to have cake and not feel bad about it. I will adjust my intake and/or hop on the treadmill tomorrow morning to allow for it.

We went out to one of our favorite neighborhood bars last night to celebrate my husband's entry into the world of homeownership. See, I bought our current home before we were married. We never changed the deed to add his name and change mine when we did get hitched. We decided in November to refinance at a lower rate (since we were unable to sell). It was a great opportunity for us to save some money and to add his name to the deed. We closed on the loan yesterday afternoon, and my husband is now officially a homeowner. So we went to Goldbergs, and gasp people! In addition to the cheeseburger I had, we also shared their orgasmic Brownie a la Mode.

And I still lost this week!

F U Facebook

2012-01-08T10:08:00.001-06:00

I love Facebook for lots of things, but sometimes I really hate it. I hate it because I find myself comparing my life to others'. But the biggest reason I hate it is these types of posts:

Body by Vi reps at gym with samples. They were fat. Smart marketing/promotion? I think not. Plus I never got to sample any. They ate it all....
PSA: Want to lose weight? Stop stuffing your fat face and exercise (not eat until you balloon to 3 bills, get a lap band then accept all compliments like you actually did something). Happy NY ;)
Need to have patience while I wait for the resolutioners to slowly quit the Y so us regulars can have our damn machines back!!
way to lose weight...DON'T BUY A BIGGER SIZE!! when they get tight stop eating and start exercising.

I don't care if you do put a little winky face after your post. You're still a jerk.

Sad thing is three of these posts come from a husband/wife who have two young girls -- I can only imagine what the chatter in their home says to their girls about their bodies. Those little girls are chunky, healthy, fat-cheeked little things. I happened to know that Mom struggled with her weight through high school, so it takes a lot of self-control for me not to call her out.

I often find it very difficult to respond to these types of posts in any constructive way. I did point out to the author of the first post that the reps at her gym might be fat by society's terms even though they've lost 50 or 100 pounds. She shouldn't judge those reps based on what she can see. I'd put a lot more faith into a product if I knew the person selling it truly used it to get fit.

That poster is also someone who is very thin. She always presented herself as an open, kind, caring person to me. Open-minded. Thoughtful. My opinion of her has changed dramatically after that post because now I know who she really is. Shallow. Ignorant. Rude.

This is just a sampling of the commentary I see every day. It's maddening to me that some individuals are so inconsiderate and unkind. Would these people say these things to my face? No. Probably not.

Going Forward

2012-01-03T16:55:00.000-06:00

2011 was not a stellar year for me as far as weight loss is concerned. It was a good year for many other reasons (my sister's wedding, time spent with family, success at work, financial progress, the end of a few toxic relationships, etc). I just never quite got it together long enough to lose any substantial weight. So here I am staring down another year and trying to figure out how to get back to that place where I was a few years ago when I was down to 180 pounds.

What I need to do is let go of the anger I have pent up at having ever slipped back into my old habits after working so hard to get there. I felt great. I had more energy. I was also younger. I was also single. Now is now, and I need to work with what I've got now.

In Skinny Emmie style, I decided to identify three words that will guide me in 2012 instead of coming up with specific resolutions. (OK -- I do have one resolution that is not weight-loss related. It's work related.) I thought about this quite a bit and wanted my three words to be specific enough to be a constant reminder of why I am doing this but broad enough to apply in all situations (since we never know what the year will hold).

Believe

in myself, the process, my support system, my body.

Create

health, fitness, confidence, life, freedom, love, strength, wealth, opportunity, and art.

Nurture

myself, my marriage, my friendships, my family, my home, and those in need.

What's In Your Grocery Cart?

2011-12-29T09:57:00.000-06:00

My husband and I majorly need to make a trip to the grocery store. Ok...stores. We shop at three places on a regular basis because they all serve different needs: Costco, HyVee, and Trader Joe's.

We go to Costco about once every 4-6 weeks mostly for paper products and soda for him. They do have a few food items we pick up: chicken breasts nicely packaged in 2-serving packs, Angie's Kettle Corn, some produce, and liquor. We did receive some awesome coupons in the mail for Costco this month too, but they aren't good until January 5th so we'll wait on that trip.

We visit Trader Joe's more often to get some of those items you just can't find anywhere else. For instance: the chili lime chicken burgers, cheese, frozen waffles, wine, beer, hummus, ~~Peppermint Jo-Jo's (this time of year)~~, and sweet potato fries.

Hyvee is our top-choice grocery store. This is where we get all of our essentials. And this is where I need the most help. I feel like we buy the same products over and over again. So what are you putting in your grocery cart?

I want to know what you stock up on at your normal, everyday grocer. I also want to know what you can't live without from Costco and Trader Joe's.

Refreshed

2011-12-17T08:04:00.000-06:00

This was a long week. Just a lot going on at work. I don't know why I am surprised -- I knew it was coming. Since I coordinate computer-based testing and maintain grades for the first and second year medical students where I work, the last week of classes before break are just busy. In addition, we had hubby's holiday party at work, shopping, and other holiday stuff. I came home last night after a long day at work and a quick trip to Lane Bryant for a couple new bras. (By the way, they are having a 50% off Sale. Signs just said Limited Time Only, but it basically includes everything in the store.) I ate dinner and fell asleep on the couch 8:30ish.

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. After nearly 12 hours of sleep, I should! I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 274.8. So glad to be back under that 275! And considering I did no exercise this week, I'll take it! I am doing another activity challenge with my bestie, Kelly, and she is rocking it so I MUST fit in some exercise today. It might even be warm enough to take the dogs on a walk later. These next couple weeks at work are nice and slow with students away on break. No reason for me not to get back in the habit.

I wanted to share with you my new kitchen shelf. Found it at Hobby Lobby a while back on 50% off. Since we took our house off the market, I was looking for something I could easily hang on the wall to provide some additional storage. This was perfect. I love the rustic feel of it, and those baskets remind me of the baskets they used at the local pool we swam at when we were kids. Next up -- refinishing our hardwood floors!

Finals

2011-12-15T16:20:00.000-06:00

I'm still here, friends. It's just a very busy time of year at work in these parts -- final exams to prepare, grades to be calculated and released, etc. After tomorrow, things will slow down until students return in January.

I have been doing a great job of listening to my body and eating when hungry, stopping when full, etc. I have not gotten in the amount of exercise I'd like. I have been wearing my bodybugg. My weight has stayed about the same.

Stay tuned. I'll be back.

Consistency

2011-12-01T09:11:00.000-06:00

It's amazing what a little consistency will do for ya! Over the weekend I weighed in at 278.2. I wasn't surprised since we had celebrated Thanksgiving, had a night out of drinking in which I indulged in four? five? six? cocktails, and I hadn't been exercising on any regular basis.

I was pleasantly surprised to see 274 on the scale this morning after just four days of consistently good eating, two days of good activity, and a concerted effort at drinking lots of water at work. I have to say that I was hoping for a pound or two loss because I knew I had been on track, but to see over four pounds was awesome.

I actually spent a better part of my evening last night looking at web sites for different diet plans (including those that incorporate the use of meal replacement shakes and similar pre-packaged meals). I didn't pull the trigger on any of those because I know I don't do well with highly restrictive diets. I wondered what I would do when I weaned off those plans. How is this helping me to learn better habits? I think these plans work for a lot of people and don't judge anyone for finding a plan that works, but I just know they don't work for me. I may actually order a few of the shakes from Medifast as a convenience food (what flavors are good?)...

but I don't plan on going 100% in that direction. This loss as a direct result of the effort I put in over the last four days just tells me that I can do this on my own. I have done this on my own before. I have the right tools. I am wearing my bodybugg. I am getting on the treadmill in the morning 3-4 times a week. I am going to the gym to swim. I am using my fitbook. I am blogging.

I'd like to learn more about which fruits and vegetables are in season so I can make the most of the produce department to incorporate some more fibrous, nutritional powerhouses into my diet. I'd like to eat fewer carbohydrates. I'd like to read about metabolism and the benefits of working out in the morning. I'd like to try eating 4-6 smaller meals throughout my day.

Organic

2011-11-22T12:17:00.000-06:00

I know it's been a while since I posted anything of substance really, and that's because it just hasn't felt organic. I just don't have anything to say really. I gotta be honest -- sometimes I feel like this blog is more of a chore or a task than it is a hobby (or even something I look forward to). I do love hearing all of your stories and reading about your progress, but I hate feeling like I have to post something even when I just don't have much to say.

I've been status quo in weight loss world. Eating well (not perfect), wearing my bodybugg, and committing to that treadmill in the basement. I was up this morning early to get a good bout in, and it does make me feel good to get it out of the way before my day even starts. (The activity challenge I am doing with my bestie helps.)

I go back and forth between feeling like I need a more structured plan and feeling like I want to listen to my body and make common sense choices, one good choice at a time. I yo-yo between closing shop here and making a more concerted effort at shaping this blog into something more than it is. I set goals in my bodybugg program and feel some days that they are too lofty and others like I am selling myself short. I wonder if I might be setting myself up for failure by thinking that anything more than maintenance during this time of year is possible.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Commitment Phobia

2011-11-15T20:02:00.000-06:00

Rochelle over at Does My Butt Make This Blog Look Fat? posted the other day about feeling lost. One part of her post really stuck out at me -- she said she is awful at keeping commitments to herself.

And holy shit! That rang true for me. Not only am I horrible at keeping commitments to myself, I am actually very inpatient with people who do not keep their commitments and follow through on their responsibilities. It's interesting to think about, really. Why don't I hold myself to the same standard that I hold others in my life to? If a friend flakes out on a dinner date, I won't lie, it irritates me. When my co-workers forget to do something I have asked them to do more than once, it frustrates me. So why haven't I applied this same attitude toward myself and my commitment to weight loss and better health? Why don't I expect myself to follow through?

It's Not Just Me

2011-11-10T08:01:00.000-06:00

There is an overwhelming theme lately amongst the health and fitness blogs I read -- folks are having trouble staying motivated. Well, me too! I am holding steady at 275 (still) on the scale, but that's just it. I am not losing. Time to get another challenge going with my best gal pal, Kelly. Her and I have done an activity challenge and a weight loss challenge before, and it's so nice to have some friendly competition and some support along the way.

Going into the holidays, I know I need to get back on that treadmill on a regular basis in order to fight off the holiday bloat. I have been wearing my bodybugg six days a week, tracking somewhat regularly, but not doing any real exercise so to speak. I have been really trying to keep myself busy in the evening -- it keeps my mind of snacking and my body moving.

I am off work tomorrow for a much needed day of rest. My husband has been on vacation all week, so I look forward to taking advantage of a day off together.

When the Scale Doesn't Move

2011-10-31T09:51:00.000-05:00

It moved this past week...just in the wrong direction. I was surprised to see it go up by about a pound because I stuck to my exercise regimen and ate well (excluding the overdose on kettle corn -- darn you Costco for selling that Angie's kettle corn; it is delicious!). What's funny is that all of my clothes are fitting better. I pulled on a t-shirt over the weekend that is normally a little snug, and I was able to wear it around the house without tugging and pulling at it.

So what to do when the scale doesn't move? I am trying to focus on the positives -- clothes fitting better, my face seeming a bit thinner, and just generally feeling better. I know that all of these are a direct result of my time on the treadmill.

Looking forward, it is my intention to get my bodybugg back on my arm this week. I finally found my digital display -- it was hiding in a deep crevice of my purse. And now, I can't seem to find my arm band. A quick look in the usual places didn't turn it up this morning, but I have some ideas about where I stashed it. We took our house off the market and are moving things back into the house from our storage unit. It's amazing how much stuff is in there! And so I am putting things away and re-arranging again, and I am sure I just stashed it somewhere. Once I get my hands on it, I'll give it an overnight charge and get that thing back on my arm. It is such an awesome tool, and I spent too much money on it to have it sit in a closet somewhere.

My Favorite Things

2011-10-24T08:00:00.003-05:00

Since Oprah's not on television anymore to do her favorite things, I thought I would take her place. Just a few of the things I find helpful on this journey:

Magic Bullet
I have had my Magic Bullet since we got married in 2006, and it is useful in so many ways. Smoothies, coffee grinding, making salsa, chopping nuts, making pudding, creating homemade salad dressings. We have very little counter space so the fact that it is small and compact is a major plus!

bodybugg
My bodybugg with digital display is one of the best tools in weight loss. I can measure daily how many calories I am burning. I can quickly, easily see what a difference a short bout of activity makes in my total calorie burn. I can track the amount of time I was active, how many steps I took, and so much more.

Stretch Island Fruit Leathers
Delicious! If you have not tried these, you should! I used to buy them in the organic/all-natural section of our local grocery store, but I recently found the variety pack at Costco. They taste just like a fruit roll-up but are made purely from fruit and are less than 50 calories each.

Moving Comfort
The Moving Comfort Maia sports bra is the most comfortable sports bra I have found for my plus size body. I feel locked and loaded and secure. It breathes. It washes well. It's a great value.

Rachael Ray Stoneware
My husband purchased a set of Rachael Ray's stoneware as a gift for me on our anniversary. I love it! The casserole dishes linked here are great for roasting vegetables, baking apples, etc. And the covered casserole dish linked here is awesome for soups, and I can imagine it will be great for pot roast too. All of these are microwave, dishwasher, and oven safe. To top it off, they are so cute! I have them in red, but all of the colors are gorgeous.

Weekly Weigh In

2011-10-23T09:55:00.000-05:00

Another week under my belt, and I am down almost an entire pound (.8 this week). I finally pushed passed that 275 mark which seemed to be keeping me hostage. 274.2 feels so much closer to 270 and the 260s.

I did two days of C25K this week. Since we took our house off the market, we put the treadmill back together in the basement, and I love having it so readily accessible. My 24 Hour Fitness location is literally only five minutes away from home, but it is so nice to be able to just go down to the basement in whatever clothing, hair all a mess, etc. Because I sort of lost focus on C25K for a few weeks, I decided to start over at the beginning. On the first round, I found it rather comfortable and was glad to see that I did not lose all of the endurance I had built. On the second day, I ran in the evening after dinner and felt weighed down and really struggled through it. I know now that I do like to run in the morning best.

I also incorporated two days of free weights where I focused on my arms and back. My arms have always been really flabby so I figured it was a good muscle group to start with. Sore triceps and biceps are just a nice little reminder that I am making strides toward a healthier me.

The fitbook is working out wonderfully. I am recording all of the foods I eat but not necessarily counting calories. Calorie counts of foods are so ingrained in me after all these years of dieting that I don't often have to look them up. I can estimate the calories in a meal pretty well at this point if I have prepared it myself. It's when I am eating a restaurant food that there are wild cards. I do imagine a return to a stricter calorie counting regimen in the future. I will have to at some point to continue moving forward.

My fitbook

2011-10-20T08:12:00.001-05:00

My fitbook arrived on Monday, and I was able to sit down and make some goals. The book is designed for users to set goals, track details, and report progress for a 12 week period. That puts us right at the beginning of January. I set my weight goal at 250 (25 pounds in 12 weeks). I set an exercise goal to finish C25K (now that the treadmill is back). I set a non-scale goal to wear my wedding ring again (I can get it on, but it's uncomfortable to wear all day).

Weekly, I can set more specific goals, track my cardio and strength training, track my food intake, and keep notes. It even comes with a cute little pen!

The book is smaller than I expected. I like that I can throw it in my purse to take with me, but sometimes I find the boxes a little on the small side. (here it is on a standard file folder)

The daily pages look like this:

If you're looking for a nice compact way to store all of your records, this would be it! For right around $20, it would also make a great gift!

The Beast in the Basement

2011-10-17T09:26:00.001-05:00

My husband and I made the decision middle of last week to take our house off the market. It had been listed for almost six months; we'd lowered our asking price twice; and we just weren't seeing the activity we needed. It was a tough decision because we were so ready to move into a bigger home. But we're at peace with the decision now. We can move forward together in the house we currently own, and when the time is right we'll list it again.

So over the weekend, my husband put my treadmill back together in the basement. Having it right there for me makes getting up in the morning or hopping on in the evening after work so much easier! Me, my new Saucony Shoes and my Pro-Form Treadmill are going to be quite busy!

In addition, we have a storage unit to empty. Good fun!

Upgrading

2011-10-15T08:36:00.000-05:00

Or downgrading...depending how you look at it. I weighed in at 275.8 yesterday morning (my official weigh-in day). I thought I would be down from the previous week because I was experiencing the same 2ish pound gain I always do around my period. But I also knew that my focus this past week has been less than stellar. While I didn't over eat, I was just provided way too many opportunities to eat the wrong things. And I took them more often than I would like to admit. It was my birthday, so I had family dinners and lunches, dinner and drinks with friends, and an evening out with my husband.

I stepped on the scale this morning because I just knew I was down even more. 275 this morning! And I will take it! It's basically a maintain, but considering the number of times I ate out this week I am okay with it.

My Fit Book still hasn't arrived -- hopefully it will today. I am excited about recording some goals and putting that thing to use.

They Say It's Your Birthday

2011-10-11T10:21:00.000-05:00

I am 32 years old today.

My husband got me a Fit Book for my birthday, and I am really looking forward to it arriving. Check it out here! I am really struggling to stay on track with exercise so I am hoping this gift will provide me some direction and motivation. I'll let you know how it goes! He ordered the book online from Apex Fitness (the makers of the bodybugg), but you can also find it at Target now.

Sunday Update

2011-10-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

What a busy weekend! Friday night I went to dinner and a concert with my friend, Nikki. Saturday morning I had to administer an exam. Saturday evening my husband and I went to the Ohio State vs. Nebraska football game. It was rainy but lots of fun! If you follow football, you know it was quite the game! Today we had someone look at our house late morning so we were up at a good time to ready the house for that. We're headed to my Dad's later to celebrate October birthdays and anniversaries. Lots of fun times, but I am pooped!

My cold has basically cleared up, but I was up on the scale Friday. I know it is period-related, and it was back down to the 275 range this morning. I've got to get back to the gym this week. I didn't do much activity this past week with my cold.

Last Sunday, I did the Komen Race for the Cure 5k with my sisters, my mom, and Erin. It was packed! 23,000+ walkers/runners. I wish I had run more than I did, but navigating in and out of all those people was difficult. I know I could have run more, but I just didn't push myself enough. The next time I want to participate in a 5k for time, I probably won't choose such a busy race. We walked the 5k course in just about an hour on Sunday.

Sickies

2011-10-06T09:19:00.000-05:00

I'm sick. And I am not happy about it. It's just a cold, I am sure, but it just keeps knocking me down. I think it's getting better, and then I feel worse. Today has been the worst of it so far, so hopefully I'll be feeling better for the weekend. My husband and I are supposed to be going to the Ohio State vs. Nebraska football game in Lincoln. He's a Buckeye, and I don't really care. The atmosphere is fun in Lincoln on game day though so I am looking forward to going with him. Of course, if I have to bail I am sure there are lots of people who would volunteer to go with him.

That's where I am leaving it for now. The 5k was fine. My eating has been good. My exercise has lacked. Hoping to take the afternoon off to recover a bit.

Weigh In: September 30

2011-09-30T07:58:00.000-05:00

Weighed in at exactly 275 this morning -- that's down from 275.6 last week. I wanted to break into the 274s this week, but I'll have to settle on the 275. I have some big plans for this weekend activity-wise, so I will hopefully see 273 next week. Today, I am off work for the day so I am going to go for a swim at the gym. Sunday, of course, is the Race for the Cure so I'll be walking/running the 5k. I may even sneak in a short walk tomorrow morning with the dogs to keep my legs loose.

And so October is here, and that means I should set some goals. I have been feeling better in my clothes, noticing small changes in the mirror, but I am not seeing the numbers on the scale move the way I want them to. So here goes:

An area of my body I dislike is my arms. My upper arms are just plain chubby. I have trouble buying shirts that have elastic or a button on the arms. So it is my goal to work in some arm exercises. Too often I am on the treadmill or walking in the neighborhood and not paying attention to my upper body. I'll work in some weights and resistance training, and my return to the swimming pool will also help.

I am setting my weight loss goal for October high (for me anyway). I want to lose 10 pounds by October 28th. I know I have to step up my cardiovascular activity in October and just become more consistent in my eating.

Have a great Friday!

Countdown to the Race for the Cure

2011-09-29T09:23:00.000-05:00

Can you believe October is here in just a couple days? How time flies!

The Race for the Cure is on Sunday, and I am totally excited to run with my mom, my sisters, and Erin. Even my little nephew, Rowan, is going to ride along in the stroller. I am proud of the team I put together, and the funds I raised. I think about my friend, Elizabeth, who I work with. Her Mom is fighting breast cancer every day, and I watch Liz as she supports, encourages, worries, and wonders. She deals with her mom's illness very privately, but I see it takes a toll on her.

I have to be honest, though. I am not prepared to run this race. I wrote last week about not finding a love for running yet. I don't know if it is because it's still very hard on my body, but I just don't love it yet. I want to love it, but I don't really even know if I like it. And so I fight with myself in the morning when the alarm clock goes off, and I just think I want to shift my focus to activities that I enjoy. What I love is swimming, dancing, step aerobics, walking, tennis, and strength training. I can't help but feel like I am letting myself down though if I put C25K on hold for now.

I know that's ridiculous. This journey isn't about me being the fastest, best runner. This journey is about finding a healthier me. If that me doesn't involve competitive running, I haven't failed. It doesn't matter if I reach my goals by running, swimming, or dancing.

So my adjusted plan for this weekend's race is to move at the speed I am comfortable with. If that includes some bouts of running, I will run. If it means I walk the entire 3+ miles, I will still reach the finish line.

Weigh In: September 23

2011-09-23T08:40:00.000-05:00

Weight This Week: 275.6

I wanted to see 274. I wanted to get under the 5 pounds lost mark. But a loss is a loss. And frankly, I didn't do the exercising I needed to this week so that loss should be celebrated when I consider the amount of effort I put into it.

I did do a good walk on Sunday, and I got my butt out of bed on Thursday to go to the gym for some running/walking. But on Tuesday and Wednesday both, I fought with the alarm clock when it went off at 5:15 and didn't win.

My eating has been pretty good (obviously). It's strange -- I've just relaxed about it a little. Rather than stressing over every calorie, I have just been trying to listen to my body. I am eating when I am hungry. I am eating the right things. And gasp! I am not tracking. And that's okay. What I am doing now is working.

Then What?

2011-09-20T08:51:00.001-05:00

The Komen Nebraska Race for the Cure is on October 2nd. I know I will not be able to run the entire race. In fact, I'll likely do more walking than I will running.

I have been training for it, but unlike lots of other people, I haven't found a love for running yet. Maybe it is because it is such a struggle for me at 270+ pounds. Maybe it is because I feel like I am working toward a specific goal, but then I don't know what happens on October 3rd. The 5k will be history, and then what? Do I continue to run and train for a 5k that I wouldn't take part in until next spring most likely? Do I search the internet for a November race in the area? Do I incorporate other aerobic activity? Do I just keep running for the sake of running?

I can feel myself losing interest in training because of these things. I feel like I am just a hamster on a wheel. It is very reminiscent of the feeling I had as I worked my fingers to the bone to finish my Masters Degree in Education while I wasn't even teaching. It's this feeling that all of this hard work is for nothing. That it's more important for me to just finish the 5k at this point. That I won't feel personally let down if I can't run this thing on October 2nd.

But let's be real! That Masters Degree got me the job I have now. That Masters Degree raised my earning potential. That Masters Degree is something I will always have. I always get to put that MS after my name. (And no, I don't do that everywhere! Just where I work in academia!)

I don't get to put 5K after my name. I don't get to wear my racing bib to the gym on October 3rd. I just feel a little lost and unsure of where I am headed with all of this training. Like what's my ultimate goal? Is it to be a runner? To be fitter? To be skinnier? I just don't know right now, and I have an incredible sense of fear that on October 3rd I'll be even more unsure.

Walking in the Rain

2011-09-18T09:54:00.000-05:00

Got up this morning and put those new tennis shoes on and went out for a walk. It was drizzling, but the rain is supposed to get heavier throughout the day so I figured this was my best opportunity. I walked (and ran a couple blocks here and there) 1.75 miles. I came home looking like this:

And that's alright! It was worth it. It felt good to get out there and move. The 5k is in two weeks, so I really have to step up my training in the next 10-14 days while making sure I protect the ankle blisters that are beginning to heal. Off to a whole day ahead of me free of the guilt I feel when I don't exercise!

Weigh In: September 16

2011-09-16T08:07:00.000-05:00

276.2

Finally! Got closer to 275 and passed that darn 277 that seemed to be keeping me hostage. So last week's gain was probably TOM stuff, and I am glad to see that.

Other updates from the past week:

Hubby and I got new shoes last weekend. I wore them to the gym on Tuesday morning and now have some bright shiny blisters on my ankles to show for it. I went to the local sporting goods store and bought some pre-wrap and glide stuff to use on them. I always get blisters with new shoes (tennis shoes, casual shoes, dressy shoes, it doesn't matter). I know it's just a matter of protecting my skin and wearing them a few times.

I had every intention of wrapping my ankles up and taking those new shoes on a 3 mile walk last night, but then my sister and her husband invited Mike and I out to a local bar for dinner. And so I chose dinner. Part of me wishes I had done the walk, but part of me thinks my ankles needed the rest. I plan on walking that 3 miler tonight or tomorrow.

Training...I am not moving forward in C25K as quickly as I would like, but I am making progress. I am still on Week Three because I don't feel ready to move to Week Four yet. I am also planning on incorporating a long walk once or twice a week. I know I am not going to be able to run this entire 5K so I need to prepare my body for the distance and endurance aspect of 3.2 miles. My goal is to finish at right around 45-50 minutes.

I have lost two important gadgets in the last week or so. I cannot find my cell phone charger. I can plug it into a USB drive, but it also has a connector that lets me plug into an electrical outlet. That connector gadget has vanished into thin air. I also lost my digital display for my bodybugg. I am still wearing the arm band portion of the bodybugg and can get read outs by uploading via USB to my computer, but I cannot find the little digital display. It's just a little round guy that can clip into a watch band or onto a pocket (I wear mine clipped on my bra). I am sure both gadgets are just misplaced and will show up sooner or later, but it's frustrating!

Our Backyard Olympics party was a success last Saturday. We had awesome weather, a good group of teams, and made some new friends. Mike and I won the Backyard Olympics last year, and this year we sucked! We were the first team eliminated from play. The only upside to that was that we got our five dollar entry fee back.

Have a great weekend!

My bodybugg

2011-09-14T09:02:00.001-05:00

As promised, a screen shot of the information bodybugg gives me regarding my calories burned and calories inhaled.

Yesterday was sort of a weird day for eating. I was scheduled to give blood at lunch time, and I always struggle to get my iron to an acceptable level. I have a routine of things I ingest the morning of my appointment that includes foods high in iron -- I had a Power Bar (surprisingly a good source of iron), Bolthouse Farms Amazing Mango Smoothie, and a hard boiled egg in the morning. I always take a prenatal vitamin and limit caffeine too. This time, I was just under the limit so I wasn't able to give blood -- will try again in a week or two. Lunch was leftovers, and we ate out for dinner because we had potential buyers looking at our house from 6:30-7:30. My calories in were a little higher than normal because of the eating out.

I love to see the spikes in activity on the timeline. I did Day Two of Week Three yesterday morning at the gym, so you can clearly see the spike in activity right around 5:15-5:45. Then, I walked across campus at noon and back shortly before 1:00 (to my blood donation appointment). From about 4:30-6:00 you see a spike in activity as I cleaned the house (again) for the showing we had.

To Answer Your Question...

2011-09-12T08:39:00.000-05:00

Many of my commenters wondered if I am tracking on a regular basis, and I am. I use bodybugg's program to track my caloric intake. I'll give you a shot of my calorie burn sometime this week too!

Weigh In

2011-09-10T09:34:00.000-05:00

This weigh in sucked! I am not even wasting my time with the little chart thing I usually do. I weighed in at 279+ yesterday and was sure that was not right. This morning I weighed in at 278.8. WTF? I was on point this week with my eating and exercise. My monthly visitor arrived, so that's the only thing I can think of. Plus, I saw 275 on the scale on Tuesday morning, so I just don't get it. (and maybe don't totally trust my scale)

I am utterly confused and amazed by my body sometimes. It is absolutely frustrating. If I don't start seeing some more weight come off with all the increased activity I am doing, I think it'll be time to see the doctor again.

In the meantime, husband and I are preparing our house and yard for the Annual Backyard Olympics. This year we have eight teams competing in backyard games -- horseballs, cornhole, and washers. It's good fun. Our friends hosted originally and asked a few years back if someone would take it off their hands. We jumped in and are hosting for the second time. It was traditionally held the week after July 4th, but July is hot hot hot in Omaha so we moved it back this year to the weekend after Labor Day. We're expecting awesome weather. Blogger Erin and her guy are coming over. New and old friends will make for a nice mix of folks.

Our fury friends are spending the night at the pet hotel, and when Mike and I are out to drop them off we are going to splurge on some new tennis shoes. Mine are old and a tad too small. His are just old.

My Own Roadblock

2011-09-07T09:29:00.000-05:00

The alarm was set for 4:50 am. It was time to get up and try Week 3 Day 1 again. If you've been here before, you know I really struggled with Week Three, then I had a thankfully short-lived hiatus from C25K because of an injury (not a sports injury, just a clutzy move). I'll be honest. I was nervous to do this workout.

So the alarm goes off, and I snooze. And I snooze again. It's now 5:10, and my window of opportunity is closing in on me because I know I have to be back to the house by 6:15 to be to work on time at 7:30. So I laid there, curled up under my blanky with a doggy keeping me warm, having an internal dialog. In a semi-lucid state, I thought of all sorts of excuses. I walked the dogs last night. I was up too late. The scale was down yesterday. My leg is still a little bruised. I can do it this evening. It's so cold.

I nearly reset that alarm for 6:15 and said screw it, but something inside of me finally just got up and did it. It's not like I talked myself into it or reasoned with my half-sleeping self. My body just got up, turned off the alarm, put on my workout gear and did it.

It was a fight -- both the fight to actually begin and to finish. I got through the first three minute interval okay. It was the second three minute interval that I struggled with. I made it through two minutes of running but didn't quite get to the three minute mark. Instead I walked at a fast pace, and I increased the incline to keep up the intensity in that last minute. And I don't feel like I gave up or like I didn't finish or didn't do it well enough. The fact of the matter is that I did it.

That's enough for me.

Confidence

2011-09-06T11:55:00.000-05:00

We had a nice Labor Day Weekend. I spent much of Saturday at work administering an exam to medical students. On Sunday, Mike and I ran some errands and then planned to go camping with my family for the evening. He wasn't feeling well so I had to fly solo. I got to play with my adorable nephew and share some good family time with my sisters and mom. Our Monday was very quiet -- we watched DVRed shows, we napped, we watched more TV, and that's about it. I did put together a nice big salad for dinner.

I peeked at the scale this morning just to see what damage the weekend did, if any. I went into it pretty confident, because I know I did well at limiting my portions throughout the holiday weekend. I overdosed on chocolate covered almonds but stayed away from a lot of other crap and tried to just keep busy so that I wouldn't mindlessly snack. The scale was down about a pound this morning, so that is just confirmation that I took good care of me this weekend.

This week: I am moving on to Week Three of C25K tomorrow morning (Wednesday and Friday). Tonight and Thursday night, I'd like to either play a game of tennis with the husband or go swimming at the gym. A walk with the dogs will also do. We loaded up on groceries last week so we are all set with healthy foods in the house. On the menu tonight: Trader Joe's Chili Lime Chicken Burgers with guacamole on a sandwich thin and sweet potato fries. Delicious!

I'm feeling a new sense of confidence in my ability to lose this weight and keep it off. As I get more and more good days and weeks under my belt, I start to feel more comfortable with this process. My thoughts are less frenzied, and I just do what I have to do. Eat less, move more.

September 2 Weigh In

2011-09-02T09:46:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Last Week: 278.6
Weight This Week: 276.6
Loss This Week: 2
Total Loss: 2.8

Yeehaw! So glad to finally see the scale moving in the right direction. We were busy this week, and I really think that helped me stay away from needless snacking. I did Week Two of C25K this week and still have a run to complete on Sunday morning. I also took the dogs on a 15 minute walk Monday evening.

OK-it may have also helped that I sweated my balls off last night at the minor league baseball game. It was 94 degrees and humid!

Going into the holiday weekend, I am confident that I can keep things under control. We don't have any plans tonight (unless something comes up last minute), tomorrow I am working most of the day and then doing some football watching at home. On Sunday, we'll head out to see my mom and step-dad at their campsite. My goal is to be active -- take a walk, play a few games of washers or cornhole, etc. Monday is open at this point as well. The weather is supposed to be wonderful this weekend.

Happy Long Weekend to you!

Planning Ahead

2011-08-29T12:40:00.000-05:00

This week is going to be a busy one! What started as me taking a few minutes over my lunch hour to just write down some important appointments and duties this week turned into me thinking about how I will fit becoming healthy into my week. And that feels good!

Tomorrow morning it's back to my Couch to 5k workouts. My arm and my bruised legs have swapped places, and now my arm is actually pretty sore suddenly, and the bruises are just discoloration at this point, no pain really. I am going to repeat Week Two since I have been away for a week and since my last go at C25K Week Three was less than stellar. I realize I am not going to make it through the entire program before I actually participate in the 5K on October 2nd, but I will be in a much better place than I am currently.

I've planned meals as best I can for the week. Two factors here: the first is we have two events that have us eating out this week (Fantasy Football draft at the sports bar tomorrow and tailgating at a baseball game with friends on Thursday). Both situations are totally manageable. My plan is to keep it simple and limit alcohol. The other is that we get paid on Wednesday and are in desperate need of groceries. We'll do the shopping Wednesday evening so packing lunches and making dinner will get easier once we can stock the fridge with all the right foods.

The only wild card I see now is the looming holiday weekend. I am stuck at work on Saturday most of the day administering an exam to medical students. Yuck! Sunday and Monday could easily fill up with family picnics and the like. These tend to be a slippery slope for me, but I'll deal with those if and when they come up.

Can you believe Thursday is September 1st already?

Weigh In August 26

2011-08-27T14:19:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Last Week: 277.6
Weight This Week: 278.6
Gain This Week: +1
Total Loss: .8

This week was tough for me. Lots of temptations at work -- just junk in the break room that I gave into way too often. I didn't do any of my C25K training this week after falling last weekend. My arm has gotten much better, but two huge bruises (one on each leg) really prevented me from running. Unfortunately that also meant that I did not swim or bike or anything.

Husband and I have really been talking more and more about our financial future -- about having kids, and buying a bigger home, and getting him a new car. And the reality is that we can't do all of those things at once, so when we prioritize starting a family is first on our list. We can take our current home off the market and live in it comfortably for years. We can do some basic maintenance on his older vehicle to be sure it'll last a couple more years.

All that said, if I were healthier we would be in an awesome situation to have children. What haunts me is that I am terribly afraid to become pregnant. If it were up to Mike, we'd be actively trying to conceive. I am just scared shitless of all of the health risks that come with being obese and pregnant, of being so uncomfortable in my body, and honestly of finding clothing to fit a pregnant me. I want to show off my belly bump, but I am afraid that no one will be able to tell I am even pregnant at this weight -- they'll just think I am getting fatter.

Now I know that I could certainly lose weight in the first months of pregnancy, but even if I maintain my weight throughout pregnancy, there are risks. In fact, my chances of having difficulty getting pregnant are increased just because I am obese. I just hate that I am holding us back from moving forward in our life together. I have to turn all of that desire to start a family into motivation in this battle against the bulge.

I wore my bodybugg every day this week and have a really good understanding of how many calories I burn each day without exercising (about 2000). I need to burn an additional 700-1000 calories each day to really see weight loss on the scale. This coming week, I must plan meals better, get back to the gym, and increase water consumption in a major way.

A Set Back

2011-08-22T09:07:00.000-05:00

I injured myself. Damnit! And I didn't do it while running. I am such a clutz that I managed to injure my left wrist/forearm and my left thigh while cleaning the bathroom. Great!

On Saturday evening, my husband and I were preparing for an open house since our home still has not sold. I leaned across the bathtub to wipe down the tile. I put my left hand out against the tile to brace myself. The tile was wet, I lost my balance, and down I went! I took the soap dish down with me. From there, I am not sure really where my body parts landed, but I know that I must have either landed on my left arm or tried to use it to stop my fall because it is quite bruised. I also hit the top of my left thigh on the side of the tub, so it is pretty bruised.

I was worried Sunday morning when I woke up that the damage to my arm was more serious than a bruise or strain because it was really tight. I had very little range of motion. I realize now that was because the muscles tightened up over night as I slept. Throughout the day yesterday, it got better and better. Today it is much better. I am still limited. I can't put my own bra on. I can't wash my hair with both hands.

Orders from my physical therapist sister were ice, rest, and no running. She suggested I bike or use the elliptical machine (without the arm thingies) until it is healed. So, that's a set back. I wish I had some cool story about how I hurt myself, but I don't! Am I worried about not being able to run that 5k on October 2nd? Not as much as I was before, actually. Part of my concern, I think , was that I wouldn't have anyone to support me or that my family wouldn't understand how big of an undertaking this is. I was wrong. They do get it. They have been encouraging, supportive, and have impressed me with their positive response. The best thing they could have done, they did without asking. They joined my team.

Erin over at Erin Takes Control is joining me, my two sisters, and my mom in running/jogging/walking the race. We're all at different ability levels so our plan is to start the race together but then break off as necessary to go at our own pace. Having the support of Erin and my mom and sisters eased some of that fear that I would have to go this alone and not have anyone to cheer me on. Speaking of cheerleaders, my Dad made a nice contribution to our team and might come watch us. My husband will either accompany my Dad or participate in the race himself.

If you'd like to make a tax deductible donation, please click on the pink Nebraska Komen Race for the Cure button to the right! Happy Monday!

August 19 Weign In

2011-08-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Last Week: 277
Weight This Week: 277.6
Total Loss: 1.8

I don't really have much to say about that. I am surprised. And I am tired of being surprised. I am pushing my body hard at the gym, but I apparently am eating back all of those calories. Time to buckle down and really look at my food intake. The bodybugg is back on!

Doing My Best

2011-08-17T08:12:00.000-05:00

I'm doing my best at this C25K thing, but I fear I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I pushed through Weeks 1 and 2 with minimal trouble, but when I got to Week 3 on Monday morning I just got stuck. Week 3 involves two 3 minute running intervals and two 90 second intervals (see the Couch to 5k program here). Three minutes of running is more than I can handle right now. Instead, I modified the plan and will ease myself into Week 3 next week. Instead, I ran four 2 minute intervals this morning. Two minutes is still tough for me, but I hope by building a bridge between 90 seconds and 3 minutes, I can get there next week.

I am doing more now than I have in a long while toward reclaiming my healthy self, but I still struggle with feeling like I have somehow failed because I can't get through Week 3. The logical side of my brain says that I need to trust my body, trust what little I know about running and injuries, and trust the process. The emotional side is screaming at me to just give up. It's telling me there is just no way I will be ready to run/walk a 5k on October 2nd.

I get ahead of myself and let fear creep in -- what if I can't finish? what if I am the very last person? what if people think I am stupid for even trying? what if I need a drink of water? what if I trip and fall? what if I have to go to the bathroom? what if no one comes to cheer me on? what if I don't feel the sense of accomplishment I think I will? what if there are hills?

I know, I know. Calm the eff down, right? People do this all the time. I can too. I'm just not there yet -- I don't quite trust that my body will pull through that Sunday morning. Instead of letting that fear take over, I am just doing my best to keep on training. The more I practice, train, run, walk, jog, and learn the more prepared I will be.

August 12 Weigh In

2011-08-12T07:55:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Two Weeks Ago: 276.6
Weight This Week: 277
Loss This Week: .4
Total Loss: 2.4

A loss is a loss, right? I wanted it to be more. I am trying really hard to focus on the fact that it is a loss. It is a move in the right direction. My monthly visitor came to see me this week, and I usually maintain during that week and see a big loss the week after. Hopefully that means big things for next week!

This week was a whirlwind. On Tuesday I got up and went to the gym for Week 2 Day 1 of Couch to 5K. That evening, we purchased a kitchen island and proceeded to spend the entire evening putting it together. At midnight on Tuesday, I made the executive decision to take the day off work on Wednesday to get our kitchen back together and to prepare for a showing that evening. Husband and I worked around the house all day long Wednesday. That evening, we babysat my nephew while buyers looked at the house. And yay! We're in their top three. Keep your fingers crossed!

I had every intention of waking up Thursday morning and completing Day 2. Somehow I managed to set my alarm but did not turn it on. I woke up at 6:50. Oops! I was actually really disappointed. Not so much in myself because I feel like my body clearly needed that extra couple hours, but disappointed that I didn't get to go to the gym.

No harm done. I went this morning before work and got it out of the way. It felt good to be there and to get my body moving. I struggled as always, but I can feel it getting easier and easier.

Working It

2011-08-09T08:01:00.001-05:00

Shock and awe, ya'll. I amaze myself. I got my butt out of bed this morning at 4:30 am and got dressed in a haze of sleep and darkness. I pulled into the parking lot at the gym just before 5:00, was off and running by 5:05, home by 5:50, and to work early! Ok, so I over estimated how much time I needed to get my C25K program done. Thursday, I'm pushing the alarm back to about 4:45.

And today, it was easier. It was hard, absolutely, but I just felt better this morning than I did on Sunday. I did all six of the 90 second intervals and traveled 1.75 miles in 35 minutes today. This strange thing happen. On about interval three, I was feeling tired, and my legs were starting to hurt. But I told myself that I was half way there. After intervals four and five, the thought crossed my mind that I could do more than six of those 90 second bursts. I've heard of athletes sort of pushing through a pain or a mental block and never really understood it until this morning. I was sweating like a pig, my ankles and calves were burning, but I actually considered doing a seventh interval.

I did not. I decided it was in my best interest to follow the plan. After all, I am still 270+ pounds and do not want to find myself with an injury that sets me back even further. What I did do is this: on the sixth and last running interval, I sprinted the last 30 seconds. For the cool down, I walked at a faster pace than I normally do for the first two minutes. It felt really good, and now I can't wait until Thursday to do it all again!

For the past eight weeks, my best friend and I have been participating in an Activity Challenge. Kelly kicked my ass! She logged 1458 minutes of activity time, an average of 182 minutes each week! I rewarded her with a $25 Amazon Gift Card. She is making great progress and inspires me in so many ways. I love her and miss her every single day. (Note to self: start saving for trip to Washington in summer of 2012.)

Now that that challenge has ended, we're throwing around some ideas for a new challenge -- maybe a percentage lost challenge, a mileage challenge, etc. Any ideas?

A New Week

2011-08-08T12:24:00.001-05:00

Welcome to Monday!

Mondays are like the beginning of a week for me. I get back to work, and just feel like Monday is really the beginning of the week moreso than Sunday. Once again, I am planning for the week ahead.

Couch to 5K
I will continue on my C25K plan of doing the program on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. I went to the gym yesterday and tried to begin Week 2. I could not get through it. It was a variety of factors: 1. I wore different tennis shoes because the ones I was wearing felt too small. I think these were less supportive so the pain I felt in my calves, ankles, and shins was horrid. I was afraid I might injure myself. 2. I was coughing up a lung. I have been sneezey and congested, so I may be getting a cold or something. And 3. I just couldn't get into the groove of a 90 second run with a 120 second cool down. Maybe my body isn't quite ready. I did what I could -- I got through a few of the intervals, did a couple shorter running intervals, and still got 1.5 miles in.

Looking forward, I think I need to invest in a new pair of running shoes. At least all of the stores are having their back to school sales. I am going to repeat Week 2 Day 1 tomorrow morning. That's right, I am going to drag my buns out of bed and do it before work. I just hate how busy the gym is at 4:00-4:30 in the afternoon, and I hate that my whole evening feels eaten up by that stop at the gym. Instead, I am going to roll out of bed in time to be at the gym by 5:00-5:15, home by 6:00ish, and off to work shortly after 7:00.

Calorie Shifting:
It ain't workin, folks. It's too much for me to keep track of. I tried a Google document, a note on my cell phone, writing it down. I just can't remember day to day what I am supposed to be doing. Instead, I am going to shoot for a 1600-1800 calorie range and keep watch to be sure I am not having too many high or low days.

In an effort to make changes one thing at a time, I am also committing to a salad a day this week. It may not be just a lettuce salad, but it has to be a substantial amount of fibrous vegetables (and/or fruits). My digestive track wants and needs the roughage. Today, I am having a taco salad for lunch! Day one completed!

Review: Couch to 5K Android Apps

2011-08-07T08:55:00.000-05:00

I began the Couch to 5K running program last week, and after fighting with iTunes and my new EVO Shift, I was finally able to have two options for using a phone application to help me complete each workout. Both programs provide audio cues that align with the C25K plan.

I tried Run Double first. Run Double works like this: it runs in conjunction with the music playlist already loaded onto the phone. Runners begin by starting their playlist, opening Run Double, choosing the workout they'd like, and off they go. Runners can jam to their own music with Run Double breaking in at intervals to provide directions.

Pros:
~the ability to listen to my own music
~GPS enabled so I can track distance if I'd like
~visual read out shows me how many minutes are left in an interval
~easily start, stop, pause, or abort a workout

Cons:
~uses lots of phone battery to have music and another app running at the same time
~GPS is useless if you're a treadmill runner because you're not actually going anywhere
~if GPS is enabled, the audio version gives a whole load of stats after each interval change that are difficult to understand
~voice of the program is somewhat robotic

Overall, I liked Run Double. I loved the screen where I can see how long I have in an interval, how long until the next one, etc. I also love that it allows me to listen to my own music as I am running. At first, I was really irritated by the statistics report the voice gives at each interval because I am using a treadmill and am not actually going anywhere. I figured out my second time through that if I turn GPS off it does not include those stats. In the future (like when it's not a sauna outside) and I move to running outdoors, I can see where this would be a great feature.

-----------------------

The second program I used has a similar set up but functions differently. NHS Couch to 5K is an actual iTunes podcast that I downloaded right to my Droid. So instead of working independently of my music list, this is essentially another music file. It runs on its own and includes music.

Pros:
~the music included is pace-appropriate
~the audio voice gives motivational messages along with the running cue
~voice is an actual recorded person
~does not require another program to run and can easily use other phone functions (email, text, etc) while the podcast runs in the background

Cons:
~no visual read out so rely on treadmill or self-timing to predict intervals
~no GPS
~music is not my own (though I did like most of it)

This program was very user friendly. I just hit play and went. I did enjoy the music and found it pace-appropriate, which for a novice runner like myself made sense. It helped me fine tune the pace at which I ran and recovered. I found myself looking for the visual read out though and had to use the treadmill instead.

I really think the best testament to which application I like better is that on Week 1 Day 3 I used Run Double. I was glad to figure out how to turn off GPS so that I did not get that long list of meaningless stats after each interval, and I like the screen cues most. Because I struggle with each and every running interval, I like seeing that clock run down. In the future, I can definitely see myself enabling GPS and hitting the outdoors.

This review reflects my very novice opinions on a subject about which I know very little. I am not a doctor, a sports trainer, a physical therapist, a personal trainer, or other healthcare professional. I was not reimbursed by Run Double or NHS to record my feelings here, and they are based on very limited use.

Weekly Weigh In

2011-08-05T08:41:00.000-05:00

Yuck! I am pissed. I am tired. I am confused. I am shocked.

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Two Weeks Ago: 276.6
Weight This Week: 277.4
Loss This Week: --
Total Loss: 2

I honestly don't have any idea how I am still hovering at 277. I was up last week (evidenced by the skipped weigh in, but it was right around the 278 mark). Considering that, being at 277.4 is a loss for the week, but I really expected to be in the 276s or even 275s.

It's just frustrating to jump into a training plan that had me at the gym three times this week doing some hard work. I was sweating up a storm. I planned and ate healthy meals all week. So why did the scale only budge a small amount if at all? I don't know.

And I know I would tell other people in my position to wait it out. To just keep going. To let the body do its job. I would say that the body works in mysterious ways and that it will come off in the end. Maybe not this week, but maybe next week I'll have a big loss.

I could blame it on PMS. I really could.

But I just want to see the numbers going in the right direction. It's really hard to keep doing something that you utterly and totally suck at!

Making Plans

2011-08-01T08:15:00.000-05:00

Today, I am busy making plans. Making a dinner menu. Making a workout schedule. Making a calorie cycling schedule. Making progress.

First things first, finishing day one of Couch to 5K felt awesome. It was not easy, but I think I hung in there okay. I wanted to skip one of the running intervals toward the end, but the comment one of my readers left rang in my head, and instead of skipping it I just slowed that interval. I was still jogging, but it was not as fast as the intervals before it. The C25K program suggests that you run three days each week. I am looking at doing a Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday rotation. I want to add one more day of activity in there somewhere -- swimming, walking the dogs, doing a video at home, something. Later this week, I'll give you a full review of two different tools you can use to do the C25K -- Run Double, an Android app that gives you interval cues but lets the music you have loaded onto your Droid run at the same time; and NHS Choices podcast available on iTunes. I tried the Run Double app on Sunday and will use the NHS podcast on Tuesday.

I was done with the gym by 9:30 AM and had the rest of day ahead of me. I was hungry! I have to learn how to balance the hunger that comes post-workout with my calorie intake goals. I have to adjust my calorie cycling schedule to match my workout schedule.

Along with that planning, I also want to get a schedule of meals together. We finally got to the grocery store and have some good food choices in the house. When we plan our weekly meals, we do a much better job of using our fresh produce before it spoils, making balanced meals, avoiding fast food, and using leftovers in a timely fashion.

I Did It!

2011-07-31T10:17:00.000-05:00

I did Week 1 Day 1 of Couch to 5K. I got myself out of bed this morning, got a snack in me, and just did it. I didn't give myself all day to talk myself out of it.

And it feels awesome. I did not skip any intervals. I did not break anything. I did not die of embarrassment. I did not have to stop.

I just did it. And I know I can do it again.

Thanks for your encouragement!

Fear

2011-07-30T11:24:00.000-05:00

I have done all I need to do to prepare myself to begin the Couch to 5k program. I have music and a podcast loaded onto my Droid. I have the gym membership. I have the shoes, the workout clothes, and the water bottle. I am still scared as hell to start.

I'm afraid I will injure myself or overdo it. Can a 275 pound woman walk/run for 20 minutes? Twenty minutes doesn't sound like that long, but it is when you're carrying all this extra weight. The first week of C25K involves a five minute warm up, twenty minutes of alternating walking for 90 seconds and jogging for 60 seconds, and a five minute cool down. I know I can run for 60 seconds. I don't know if I can make it through twenty minutes of doing it every 90 seconds, however. I know that individuals bigger than me have done it on reality shows or in real life, but I am still afraid of it.

I am mostly afraid of doing this at the gym. I have thought about finding a high school track that is tucked out of the way where I can do this without an audience, but it is hot and humid out there. I know I am better off doing it in the air conditioning of the gym, but I am frankly self-conscious about what other gym goers might think of me as I labor through this. I know. I know. Just do it and don't worry about what the other people think. And why do I even think other people notice or care what I am doing? It's a pretty self-centered thought to even think that other people at the gym will even notice or give it a second thought. Logically, I know I need to do what is right for me, but emotionally I am afraid of the whole scenario.

What's the worst that can happen, right? I don't finish. I have to stop part way through. I have to skip one of the 60 second running intervals. I sweat all over the treadmill. None of those things is Earth-shattering, I know. So today I am just working up the courage to put on those gym clothes, drive myself there, get on that treadmill, and just do the best I can do. I know it won't be easy, but I also know that I have been just stagnating for a long time at this weight, and I need to do something different.

Winning

2011-07-28T07:45:00.001-05:00

I did it. I beat iTunes. OK -- my husband beat iTunes. Regardless, I was able to go home yesterday and plug in and move some music onto my Droid. I am not able to listen to Protected Audio Files apparently, but I got most of the stuff I wanted for working out transferred over to my Droid.

Next on my list is finding my docking station for my iPod. It can't hurt to have both!

iTunes Will Not Win

2011-07-27T09:33:00.000-05:00

I went home after work yesterday, sat down at the computer ready to move some workout music from my iTunes account to my new Droid. Not so fast. Apparently, Droid and Mac do not play nice together. So, I wasted like three hours trying to get Home Sharing to work (it allows you to share the music you've bought on iTunes with other household computers). I finally got that working on our Windows-based laptop.

I thought we were in business (I say we cuz now my husband is trying to help me). So we plug in my Droid and nothing happens. I can't access the memory card. The interwebs say I should be able to just pick those audio files up and move them over to my phone's memory card.

We gave up last night, but I really want to be able to use my Droid. I downloaded an app that gives me audio cues for the Couch to 5k program while still playing my music.

I have an iPod Shuffle, but it needs to be charged. I can't find its dock and have a sneaky suspicion that it is in our storage unit. I do believe there are some C25K podcasts available on iTunes, so I could download those and use the Shuffle, but that requires me finding that little dock so I can juice her up.

So...I am not winning in this battle yet, but I have not given up. I shall conquer iTunes. I will say that the Blackberry made this task a whole lot easier. I need a teenager up in here -- he'd be like " you just plug this in here, do this, click there, and done."

-----------------------------------------------

In other news, I have been slackin on the trackin. I am fairly confident I have been well within my calorie range because, let's face it, I haven't been eating much because we have no food in the house. We get paid on Friday, and between now and then there is no money for grocery shopping. The upside is we're cleaning out the freezer and pantry (as if we have a pantry in our small ass kitchen that keeps us from selling our house).

Checking In

2011-07-26T09:26:00.001-05:00

Just checking in here so ya'll don't think I've gone off the deep end. At work, there are people who have gone off the deep end, and I am frankly tired of having to be the only sane voice. Part of me is ready to let them fail and then say "told ya so" later. Unfortunately, it always seems to be my problem when they fail.

My weekend was good. My husband was out of town so I hung out with friends both Friday and Saturday evening. I ate within my calorie range both of those days but struggled on Sunday because I was home most of the day just relaxing. I tend to get snacky and overdo it on those days.

No exercise to speak of. I am really debating starting the Couch to 5k program tonight. I am scheduled to participate in the Komen Race for the Cure on October 2nd, and I would love to run or run/walk it. At this point, I am fairly certain I could walk the 3.2 miles, but I want to do more than that. So here's what's what:

Things I have counting against me:
~my weight obviously. My calves, ankles, and feet hurt when I walk or run on the treadmill.
~our treadmill is dismantled. I have to go to the gym and am honestly concerned about trying this program at the gym with all those hard bodies looking on.
~fear (of failure, that my body won't let me, maybe of succeeding)
~lack of knowledge about how to appropriately train without injuring myself or burning out

Things I have going for me:
~downloaded C25K app to my new Droid that will tell me when to walk and when to jog. It gives audio cues while still allowing my music to play. (must first move iTunes to Droid and hope and pray that the battery keeps up -- oh, and download On the Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga because it totally pumps me up)
~gym membership allows me to do this any time I want
~have a final goal in mind
~the increased activity will undoubtedly make the weight come off faster
~am attracted to structured programs such as C25K

July 22 Weigh In

2011-07-22T10:22:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Last Week: 277.2
Weight This Week: 276.6
Loss This Week: .6
Total Loss: 2.8

It's a loss. I'll take it. Calorie cycling went pretty well for me this week. I met a few road blocks on my low days, but I am prepared going into this week for those days.

I didn't exercise hardly at all this week. I am not sure why not. I feel so much better when I do exercise. I used the heat as an excuse. But that's not realistic. I can go to the gym. I can do a workout video in my living room.

This week, I found myself sneaking naps in after work. Though it feels great to come home from work and curl up on the couch for an hour or so, I know I'd be doing my body some good to do something!

I have to decide how much I want to push on the exercise front. A part of me says to focus on my eating habits right now and let the activity come, but another part of me knows that my weight loss would happen faster if I did exercise. I also know that I am doing the Race for the Cure on October 2nd. I'd love to be able to run a part of it at least, but at this rate there is no way I could run 3.2 miles.

My husband is out of town this weekend so I'll have some time to myself and plan to reflect on how I can move forward in my goals to become fitter.

Have a great weekend!

Calorie Cycling Day Four

2011-07-18T14:56:00.000-05:00

Today is day four of my new calorie cycling regimen. It has been the toughest day so far. Today is a low day so I am allotted 1600 calories. I planned a light breakfast and lunch that I thought would keep me satiated until dinner time, but I am really fighting an urge to snack on something this afternoon. I have planned a Fiber One Brownie for when I get home from work, and it might take everything I have not to eat my own arm until then.

The weekend was generally pretty easy. On Friday, I am fairly sure I hit my high target when we went out for Mexican food. On Saturday and Sunday, which were moderate days, I was pretty darn close. A little under on Saturday and a little over on Sunday.

I suppose I'll find out how well this is working tomorrow when I take a peak at the scale and on Friday when I hold my official weigh in.

I swam on Saturday evening, and I think a couple Wii games are in our future this evening. It's too hot to walk, and Monday evenings are always so busy at the gym.

Freedom

2011-07-16T20:02:00.000-05:00

I feel a certain freedom when I swim. I am not weighed down. I don't have pain in my knees and ankles. I am fluid, graceful.

I went for a 35 minute swim this evening, and it felt great. The pool area was steamy with the sun beating in through the windows, but the water was nice and cool. It was quiet -- just a few folks coming and going out of the hot tub.

Motivation

2011-07-16T10:17:00.000-05:00

Fall 2004

Poor picture quality I know. I found this yearbook photo from the 2004-2005 school year when I was teaching middle school reading. Look how thin my face and neck were!

Weigh In

2011-07-15T08:20:00.001-05:00

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Last Week: 277.2
Weight This Week: 277.2
Loss This Week: 0
Total Loss: 2.2

Pretty pathetic. Two pounds in like six weeks. It is what it is. I am happy to see the 277 today since I was in the 280s most of the week, but I am not seeing long-term progress like I need to.

Upward and onward! Calorie Cycling begins today! More workouts! More water! Less weighing!

Crossroads

2011-07-14T09:06:00.000-05:00

(more than just an old, dirty, stinky has-been mall in Omaha...that's for you Kelly and Erin)

Thank you all for your care and feedback the past couple of days. I think I am just at a crossroads in this journey and am searching for some answers and direction. Your support and suggestions do help and mean so much. I often feel very alone in this fight, and it's awesome to have the kind of responses you've provided.

First, I want to say that I am not going to give up. I know I implied that in my last post, but I also know logically that "fat and happy" is an oxymoron. While there may be individuals out there who are fat and also happy, I know that I am happiest at a healthier weight. Am I happy now? Absolutely. I have an awesome husband (hi Mike! love you!). I have a great family. I have many good, long-time friends. I have a job and a roof over my head. What I do know is that I feel better when I am lighter. I am happier when I am not weighed down.

I've read your replies and am considering moving to a twice a week weigh in. Instead of weighing every day or just once a week, I might give it the Tuesday-Friday treatment. I'll see how that goes and adjust accordingly. I still plan on beginning to calorie cycle tomorrow.

Last night, I walked to the library. The walk was 1.7 miles round trip. It was uphill the whole way there, and I was sore. I checked out my book and took a little rest in the air conditioning then made the walk back. It felt great to move my body even though I ate a gnat -- it just flew into my mouth as I was taking in a big gulp of air. I find it easier to walk further when I have an end goal in sight. Walking to the library to get a book was easy -- I had a goal, a destination. To just walk on the treadmill or around the neighborhood, I get bored. I'd like to start thinking about other times I could be walking or biking to run a quick errand in the evening or on weekends.

And on the scale this morning was 277.2. This crazy body!

The Every Day Weigh In

2011-07-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

About six weeks ago, I committed to weighing in every day. And I have been about 95% on target with that. I know (as do you) all of the positives and negatives of weighing every day vs once a week vs once a month. The jury is still out for me. I do think I have gotten much better at not letting the number I see on the scale determine my mood or spirit for the day. I don't find any patterns though.

The body is a mysterious machine. And as my good friend Patrick says, the female body especially is a well-oiled mysterious machine. I do know that I retain water right before my cycle begins, but I don't know how much. I do know that exercise on day one does not necessarily translate into a loss on day two. It's interesting to me how I can drop or gain sometimes two or three pounds in one day.

I just don't know if weighing every day is helping me on this weight loss journey. Take this week for example: I have weighed in at 280.2 exactly for the last three days. I weigh in at the same time, in the same way, and on the same scale each morning. It does not make sense that on Sunday I weighed 277ish, and on Monday I weighed 280+. It does not make sense that after two days of good eating and one bout of exercise, I still weighed in at the exact same number this morning. Is my scale broken? Is it magically stuck on that number? I don't know. I don't know if it will go down to 278 or 276 tomorrow. Or Friday.

And I just don't know if I can continue to care that much, honestly. I mean that in two very different ways. On one hand, it makes me want to say screw it and throw in the towel. I want to just get pregnant and deal with the risks of being an ~~obese~~ morbidly obese pregnant person as they come. I want to throw caution to the wind, buy some clothes that look good on me at 280 pounds instead of working with what I got for now, and just be fat and happy. On the other hand, I don't want the scale to be the only factor I use to evaluate my progress. I do want to be stronger, healthier, thinner, and more energized. And I know I can measure that in other ways. I know that walking up the hill to my office gets easier and easier with every day. But I also know that I still find climbing a flight of stairs to be difficult. I know that the ring I wear on my wedding finger slides on easier than it did two weeks ago. But I also know that it is no substitute for my wedding ring which no longer fits.

And so I am looking for balance. I am searching for a place where I can use the number on the scale as an indicator of my current situation and no more. I don't want it to define me. I don't want it to prescribe my food choices or activity level for the day.

I am still considering my options. I can continue to weigh myself every day. I can go to a Friday only weigh in. I can weigh in once a month. I can weigh in never again. I just need to give it some thought. What are your thoughts on the subject?

Calorie Cycling

2011-07-12T11:53:00.000-05:00

I struggle with sticking to a set amount of calories each day. Life presents me with different challenges depending on the day of the week. Weekends tend to be most difficult for me because we are on the go more, and I lack the structure of the work day. During the week, I do a decent job of sticking to my calorie goals but might have one or two days in the week where I feel hungrier than others. Some days I eat 1900 calories, and some days I eat 1500 calories.

In an effort to take these things into consideration, I am going to try calorie cycling. Essentially, it is the practice of incorporating low calorie and high calorie days as long as they fit into an overall picture of your caloric intake. Calorie cycling (aka zigzagging or calorie shifting) lets your body leave the fat-storing mode that happens during extended calorie restriction. It also allows you to schedule your high calorie days based on your lifestyle with the understanding that you have to make up for those high days with lower calorie days.

Unfortunately, there is not a lot of research that proves this theory, nor are there calculators to help you decide how many calories you should be eating on a high, moderate, or low day. Everything I have read tells me to include one or two high days, one or two low days, and then fill in with moderate days. Additionally, a high day is not an excuse to eat an entire cheesecake. Something indulgent like pizza or a burger, maybe. But it is not a day to just go hog wild.

With that in mind, I took into consideration that Calorie King tells me I should be eating 1850 calories per day. I multiplied that by seven days in a week and came up with 12,950. Then I went to work planning out how my week would look. This is my plan:

Friday: 2400 (high)

Saturday: 1800 (moderate)

Sunday: 1700 (moderate)

Monday: 1600 calories (low)

Tuesday: 2000 (high)

Wednesday: 1700 (moderate)

Thursday: 1600 (low)

Weekly Total: 12,800

As you can see, it actually puts me 150 calories below the original goal. I plan to use those 150 calories only if I need them. I am not a doctor, dietician, or nutritionist. I just know that sticking to a set amount of calories each day seems unnatural to me. I will have dinners out, birthday parties, and other events. Allowing for these events make sense to me.

Since this week is already started, I won't actually begin using this practice until Friday when I weigh in and a new week begins. On my agenda for this evening is thinking about what tools I need to stay on track in this endeavor. Calorie King is an awesome tool for tracking calories, but it gives you this dreaded red status bar when you are over your calorie limit. I intend to continue tracking there, and I might just have to tell that red bar to suck it on my high calorie days. Stay tuned.

Baby, It's Hot Outside

2011-07-11T13:09:00.000-05:00

Hot as Hades! Seriously! If you've ever felt it, you know it. If you haven't, I don't know that I could adequately describe it to you. It's no surprise -- this happens every year. It just sucks.

So I sucked again this weekend. Somehow our days filled up, and before I knew it Sunday evening was upon us, and I had not exercised either day. I spent most of my Saturday afternoon with my Dad and sisters at a local museum. They had a temporary exhibit that showed off all of the Pulitzer Prize winning photographs through the decades. It was outstanding. Some photos showed triumph and hope. Some photos reflected pain and suffering. It was heavy, for sure. That evening, I met a friend out for drinks because he's having a rough time of late. On Sunday, I watched my favorite nephew for a little while my sister and brother-in-law went to the driving range. We met for lunch then, and husband and I were off to hit some open houses. We walked through two homes that both have a lot of character and charm (read: need some work) but are totally in our budget, have all of our must-haves, and are in great locations. We just gotta sell our current home.

So it's Monday, and I don't have an excuse for not doing the two days I committed to. I really don't. The only thing I can do is move forward. Tonight, I will either get to the gym to swim some laps or head over to our storage unit to rearrange, organize, and retrieve some things we need. It's a mess! Toward the end of preparing our house for the market, we were just throwing stuff in there. Now, any time we need something we can't find it. That job will be a workout in itself in this heat. I'll keep an eye on the weather -- while I know how good it feels to get out and sweat in this heat sometimes, I don't want to compromise my health either.

I have tracked my calories for the day and intend to continue to do so all week. I made it to Trader Joe's on Friday and got us some new, healthy options for dinner. I still need to make a quick trip to the regular grocery store for some staples, and we'll be on our way. Maybe a little menu planning is in my future.

It Ain't Pretty

2011-07-08T08:37:00.000-05:00

My official weigh in this week is less than stellar. And I knew it would be. 277.2 on the scale today. Yuck. Here's the scoop:

Over the holiday weekend, I did not eat a lot. I just didn't eat the right foods. We're talking about a slushie from the gas station, pizza, donuts, Wendy's, Cheerios, and a lot of other convenience foods. I did not snack a lot in between meals so I thought I'd be okay on my calories. I did not track any of the days so I was just guessing. Clearly, I guessed wrong.

Tuesday came around, and I headed back to work. My plan was to just jump right back into things. Mentally, I was prepared to eat lots of good clean foods and drink a ton of water. Work was sorta busy (which is rare for me) so I was pre-occupied and did not down as much water as I should have. I generally did okay on eating the right foods. Husband and I had Mexican food on Wednesday night. I was a little snack heavy in the afternoons after work. But I think what really killed me was my lack of exercise.

I just couldn't find the energy to get up and do something. Maybe it was a direct result of the crap I ate all weekend. Maybe it was a mental block. Maybe it was hormonal. Maybe it was sabotage. Maybe it was just the "I don't care enough to put in the work" attitude that sometimes invades me. Whatever it was, it didn't help me this week. So I am up almost two pounds from last week. I can hide behind excuses and say that it must be water weight, but that would be a cop out. It's not water weight. It's real weight. I need to face that.

What scares me though is the long-term implications of this. I know I am far from reaching maintenance, but I have to wonder how in the world I will handle it when I do get there. If a three day weekend can net a two pound gain, how will I manage this in the long term? Will I ever get to not track? Will I ever get to blow off my calorie goals for a few days without feeling it in my clothing?

So to end on a positive note, I have to say congratulations to my best friend Kelly. Her and I took part in an Activity Challenge. We were competing against one another based on time spent being active. She blew me out of the water! She is the mom of two handsome little boys, and her husband works away from home much of the time. So she manages her household and her boys mostly by herself and still rocks it in the activity department. She should be receiving her reward in the mail today or tomorrow! We'll continue on the challenge for another four weeks, and I got a lot of catching up to do (because the last four weeks include the totals from the first four).

This weekend, I am committing to activity both days. And I am committing to filling our refrigerator with good foods -- Trader Joe's here I come!

Post-Holiday Weekend Detox

2011-07-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Today begins my post-holiday weekend detoxification. Meaning water and lots of it. Meaning back to the basics of eating the foods that fuel me and fill me instead of empty, worthless crap.

We had a very nice holiday. We spent a good amount of time with family -- including an entire day with our nephew on Sunday. We were not overly active but were not lazy bums either. Problem is I didn't pay good attention to my diet like I should have. I did not go crazy and fall of the wagon, I just didn't track. I am sure I was close to my calorie goal, but I wasn't eating the right things. I was not being deliberate about my choices and just picking whatever was available, easy, or quick.

So back to work today (waaa! I didn't want to come back!) -- back to tracking -- back to moving more.

Drum Roll Please

2011-07-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Last Week: 277.8
Weight This Week: 275.4
Loss This Week: 2.4
Total Loss: 4

It is not the 275 on the dot I saw yesterday, but I am totally happy with 275.4. Since the beginning of June, I have lost 4 pounds. I intend to drop even more in July. I am off to a good start, but now I need to pick up the pace so I am losing 8-10 pounds per month.

I did okay at dinner last night. I did not totally stick to plan. But I still feel like I made good choices. I ended up running errands and taking the pooch to vet yesterday (after a dance workout in my living room) so I did not really have a nice, strong lunch. I was starving going into Ruby Tuesday. I needed protein. So I ordered the petite sirloin with mashed potatoes and green beans. I made a nice salad but really wasn't that into it so pushed that aside. With my wine, my meal came in at 930ish calories. That might seem high but considering I had eaten light all day, it really wasn't. If I could have changed one thing about that meal I would have skipped the mashed potatoes. They were so creamy and good but loaded with sodium.

We hopped over to Red Mango for frozen yogurt before getting some groceries at Trader Joe's. I was hesitant at first but knew I could say no. When Patrick told me you pay for your yogurt by the ounce I knew I could handle it. The neat thing is you go in and serve yourself. You can try it before you buy it. When you're ready, you dispense the amount of each flavor you'd like into your bowl and can add toppings salad bar style. Pay by the ounce and you're done. I tried the Raspberry Cheesecake and the Hazelnut. I had about three tablespoons of each. Both were delicious. Apparently some people are really disappointed by the taste of their yogurt (it is fat free and about 35 calories per ounce), but I found it a really great substitute for full-fat ice cream. I would definitely go back again. Just steer clear of all the toppings they offer -- that's where the calories live.

I am happy with my decisions last night for the most part and look forward to another successful week!

Too Soon for a Happy Dance?

2011-06-30T09:54:00.000-05:00

I set a weight goal of 275ish for this week. After being up slightly last week, I thought my body might pull it off. I was likely carrying around some extra water weight with my menstrual cycle. I began to get frustrated because I was doing everything I should and not seeing the number on the scale come down. It's been hovering just above or just below 278 for the past few days.

I was feeling good this morning when I stepped on the scale. I could just feel it. And I know I made a lot of trips to the restroom yesterday. Weird, but sometimes it's like I can feel the fluids leaving my body. I didn't drink any more than normal, but I was up to the restroom way more often than I normally am. Even the receptionist I have to walk by to get to the restroom noticed! (And can I say that I hate that? I hate that I have to walk by someone to get to the restroom at work. Like I need someone to comment on my bathroom habits. I like Janet, so I don't mind so much with her, but I think it's weird.) The only thing different about yesterday was that I gave blood, but a pint of blood does not weigh 3 pounds. Pretty sure. =)

This morning it said 275 on the dot. Well yeehaw! Tomorrow is my "official" weigh in day so I am trying not to psych myself out on this, but I was just so relieved. It's so frustrating to put the work in all week and not see results. I know that is why so many people start this journey and give up a few weeks in. It has been me in the past. It's hard to keep working at something when you're not seeing results.

So how do I make sure that 275 sticks around for tomorrow? I am off work until Tuesday. This morning, I am going to do the Cardio Dance Blast video (you can add them to your Netflix Instant Queue). I have plans to meet a good friend for happy hour tonight, and I have a plan. We're going to Ruby Tuesdays. They have an awesome salad bar. So it's salad and a glass of wine for me tonight. Tomorrow I am going to the gym to swim.

I also want to take the time to do progress photos today or tomorrow. I know it's important to measure success in other ways for these times when the scale is being pesky. I am horrible at remembering to take my measurements, but I think I could do the progress photos every 10 or 20 pounds.

As for the rest of the weekend, my plan is to just be active. Hubby and I can easily waste away a whole day watching Netflix, doing crossword puzzles, or just lounging around. Instead, we're going to go to the Farmer's Market in downtown Omaha so there is the walk to and from our parking spot (and it's hot here right now so we'll do some sweating too). We're planning on a visit to my mom and step-dad's campsite where we are always active either playing games, biking, or walking. And we'll likely have the nephew for a full day so my sister and her husband can do a home improvement project without the toddler running around. Rowan is exercise himself. He ~~walks~~ runs, climbs, and is into everything. Love him -- did you see his pictures? He is so darn cute.

Check back tomorrow for that official weigh in!

Rewards

2011-06-27T10:08:00.000-05:00

I met Erin from Erin Takes Control last week, and we talked about family, work, weight loss, and life in general. I am still a little miffed that she has the summer off, because it made me miss it from my teaching days in a bad way. I do have a ton of vacation time in my current job, so I just need to use it (while still leaving a little bit in the bank for when we have babies).

We talked about shopping, and she suggested I try Maurices. I had never stopped in to their store even though I had seen on their advertisements that they do carry plus sizes. It seemed a little young to me, and I worried that the clothing would be cut more for a plus size teenager and that it just wouldn't work for me. Erin encouraged me to give them a try, so I think I will.

But! I am going to make it a reward. When I am down to 260, I will budget $50 to spend at Maurices. I've set goals and rewards in 25 pound increments, but it can't hurt to set an intermediate goal in there for more motivation. I settled on 260 because it is about 20 pounds down from my highest weight so I feel like I'll be able to see and feel the difference. A few new shirts or a pair of capris will be on order around then.

Sunday Mornings

2011-06-26T10:08:00.000-05:00

I love Sunday mornings. I let the husband sleep in; get some laundry started; drink my coffee; look through the newspaper ads and coupons; catch up on blogs; and do whatever else strikes me! This one is no different. The front screen door is open so I can hear birds chirping and the neighbor kids playing outside.

After my weigh in on Friday, I was very tempted to say "F- it!". But I did not. I had lunch at Panera Bread with my mom and sister and chose wisely. My husband and I used a Groupon for a local Italian restaurant, and I did not count the calories, but I just stopped when I was full. Normally I would finish off that plate no matter what my stomach and brain were telling me. Enough was enough.

Yesterday, my husband and I took our nephew to the park. When my sister said the park is just a few blocks away, I decided to throw on some sandals and skip the sunscreen. We arrived at my sister's place, loaded up my nephew in his stroller, and off we went following her directions. And we walked. And walked. And walked. We found the school and turned left. The park is just beyond that, she said. But the park never came. We wondered if we'd missed a turn but kept on going. Rowan fell asleep in his stroller, and when we arrived, I woke him up. He rubbed his eyes a little, looked around, and then welcomed the adventure with a little smile. Off he went to climb the steps and go down the slide.

He laughed and laughed as we pushed him the swing.

He let out a little squeal every time a cute little blond boy and he met in passing on the jungle gym.

And we chased bubbles.

When it was time to go, Rowan cried and resisted the stroller but soon calmed down. He took in the scenery, and we trekked back. We took a different route going home so we could check out the neighborhood pool. Either way -- we were going up hill on the way home. I was still wearing my sandals (ouch!), and wishing I had put sunscreen on. Finally, we pulled into the garage, and it felt great to get my sweat on.

Today, my calves are a little sore but nothing I can't handle. I intend to walk the dogs this morning or evening so they don't continue to stiffen up.

In the week ahead: a three day work week followed by a nice holiday weekend; happy hour with my good friend, Patrick; and a couple visits to the gym. My goal is to be at or around 275 on Friday. That would get me back on track to lose about 1 to 1.5 pounds per week.

Weigh In

2011-06-24T08:46:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Last Week: 276.2
Weight This Week: 277.8
Gain This Week: 1.6
Total Loss: 1.6

Well, no magical moment at the scale this morning. It did come down slightly from yesterday but not enough. I am okay though. I am being very level-headed this week. My behaviors this past week did not cause a nearly two pound gain. I ate within calories, moved more, and got good rest. I know it's bigger than that, and I can only hope my body will catch up in the next couple days. Things are wacky -- my weight is up, my nails are brittle, my face is that of a 16 year old (and I rarely have skin issues), and my toilet trips have not been plenty enough. I can only keep on plugging away and know that it will come off.

I cannot let this derail me and send me into a tailspin of "I can't do this. There is no point in trying. I'll just screw it." Instead, I will count calories, schedule some activity, and do what I would tell someone else in my position: hang in there!

Otherwise, the weekend is upon us thankfully. The husband and I might go see Bad Teacher this evening -- I have a feeling it'll either be really funny or really stupid. Tomorrow morning we might attend a fundraising event for our local humane society. My husband works for a natural pet food company, and they often volunteer their time and products to local causes. I am feeling like I need a little bit of nephew time too, so I even thought I'd ask my sister if we can borrow Rowan for a few hours and take him to the park or something. They appreciate the break, and I get to snuggle that little guy. And we're crossing our fingers that our potential buyer will come through the house again this weekend so we can sell that thing! TGIF!

Side note: my boss brought LaMar's Donuts to work today. It's a chain in the midwest that I believe has humble beginnings in Iowa. He likes to tell people in the office all about how wonderful their donuts are, but I've got news for him. A donut is a donut. They're all the same. Sugary, fatty, and worthless. You should check out Erin's post about Runza's though -- an Omaha gem. Now that's good stuff -- also fatty and mostly nutritionally worthless, and between you and me, I'd eat a Runza over a donut any day.

Say What?

2011-06-23T10:40:00.001-05:00

My war with the scale continues. Today, she decided to jump up to 278+. Logically, I know I did not gain an entire pound in one day. It has to be water weight, high sodium intake, remnants of Mother Nature's gift, or my lack of "movement" the last couple days.

I just hope my body magically decides to shed that weight for tomorrow morning the same way it magically decided to make it appear this morning. The science of weight loss is pretty simple, right? Fewer calories out than in, but it is still such a mystery to me. I am so intrigued by the fluctuations in my daily weight and how outside factors affect that.

Here's to hoping for a truly magical weigh in tomorrow.

Scale Wars

2011-06-22T08:57:00.001-05:00

This week has been sorta wacky. On Monday, we were supposed to go to the College World Series game and had to bail last minute because we had someone coming to look at our house. I might have said no if we had been seeing a ton of activity, but it has been really slow. We didn't feel like we could afford to miss that opportunity. So we rushed home to clean up the house and get the dogs out of there. The gal came and liked the house very much but didn't like our kitchen. We indicated we'd be willing to work with her on that, so we're hoping she'll return for a second look. So we skipped the game, and maybe it was a blessing in disguise because a major storm rolled in and all of the spectators had to be evacuated. If we have an offer on our house, I won't feel bad one bit about missing the CWS game.

On the weight loss front, I have been on point with my caloric intake since Monday. Sunday was sort of a fluke since I ate like it was going out of style. I made it to the gym last night and swam for 30 minutes (note to self: everyone and their brother wants to swim on Tuesday evenings apparently). But still the scale is being stubborn. It's just flip flopping between 277 and 277.4 and 277.2. And I want it to say 276. And I really want it to say 274. But I am coming off Mother Nature's monthly gift and Sunday's temporary loss of control. I am trying to just be happy with my behavior and let my body do the rest, but I hate the inconsistencies of the scale.

Going forward, I plan on getting lots of water in today so I can flush this body. I am meeting Erin from Erin Takes Control for some healthy grub this evening. It'll be my first ever blind date, and I am looking forward to having an ally in this weight loss game who is in the same area. If weather permits, I'd like to fit in a walk with the poochies this evening and a swim tomorrow after work. Here's to better numbers on Friday's scale!

Monday Fun Day

2011-06-20T10:11:00.000-05:00

It's Monday. Bleh. Today should be a fun day though -- my husband got free (club level) tickets to the College World Series so I am leaving work a little early to get downtown to the stadium and take in an Omaha tradition. Add that little cherry on top that the tickets are free, and life is good. It's hot today, but the game isn't until 6:00 PM so things should cool down some.

I had a rough weekend on the eating front. I did just fine on Friday and Saturday. We kept active both days as well. Yesterday was that day though that I wanted to eat anything and everything. I wanted salty. I wanted chocolate. I wanted gooey. I wanted crunchy. It's because of my period, I know, but it is so frustrating to feel so out of control. Nothing quenched the craving, and I grazed much of the afternoon.

It is what it is, and I am back on the horse today. I packed a light, well-balanced breakfast and lunch because I know my options will be limited at the stadium this evening. No beer. Only water or diet pop and one meal component (a hot dog, or burger, or BBQ). No fries. No funnel cake. No ice cream. It just isn't worth it.

Weigh In

2011-06-17T08:29:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Last Week: 278
Weight This Week: 276.2
Loss This Week: -1.8
Total Loss: -3.2

I know I should totally be okay with reporting a nearly two pound loss to you this morning, but I am actually really ticked that the scale jumped back up after yesterday's 274.4. Gah! I am trying very hard to focus on the positive here:

I am averaging more than 1.5 pounds per week.

I have been more active in the last two weeks than I had been in a very long time.

I FEEL BETTER!

I am proud of my efforts.

I had a great conversation with my sisters about this journey last night and was reminded of their support.

My husband said earlier this week that he likes that I am "bringing active back."

I noticed yesterday that my bras fit better.

I am going to take your advice and stop into Kohls after work today. I had dismissed Kohls for a long time because I struggled to find anything that I felt was young enough for a 30 year old but not too showy, flashy, or revealing. Again, it was like I found things appropriate for a 17 year old or a 60 year old but nothing in between. Based on your suggestions, I am going to give them another try!

My goal this weekend is to stay within my calories of course but also to drink my water. I just struggle over the weekends to get a healthy amount of water in. At work, my bottle sits on my desk and reminds me to keep gulping away. At home, I just forget about it. I filled up two water bottles this morning and put them in the refrigerator so they will be nice and cold for me. I just need to get them out in the morning and chug away.

Have an awesome weekend!

Mixed Bag

2011-06-16T08:36:00.000-05:00

This post is a mixed bag of things: successes, frustrations, and general updates. Hang on for the ride -- I am not quite sure where it'll take us yet.

First, I saw 274 on the scale this morning. Never did I think I would be so happy to be under 275, but I am. It is where I am in this journey. I am feeling motivation return to my veins, and I knew all it would take is a week or two of success to get me going in the right direction. I feel really good about the progress I have made in the last two weeks.

I went to the mall on Tuesday after work to spend an Old Navy Groupon. I just needed one or two shirts that I could either dress up for work or dress down for casual evening and weekend activities. I can usually wear a XXL in shirts from Old Navy. When I went in on Tuesday, there just wasn't much to choose from to begin with, and the three shirts I chose to try on were just a little too snug for me to be comfortable. If I have learned anything, I know I need to dress my body as it is now. In the past I may have bought those shirts thinking it would just be a few weeks before they were more comfortable. I don't do that any more. So I spent the gift card on my husband instead (and almost my nephew -- they have the cutest little boy clothes).

Off I went to JCPenney. Struck out there too. Everything fit into three categories basically: too old, too crazy/bright/paisley/swirly, or too winter (clearance). On my way to Lane Bryant, I stopped into CJ Banks. Big mistake. Big ugly! At Lane Bryant, I was once again shocked by their prices and left empty handed. I even stopped by the women's section in Younkers and Von Maur on my way out and didn't see anything that was worth trying on.

That shopping trip was so frustrating. It's frustrating to have to work so hard to just pick up a couple of blouses. It's frustrating to go to a specialty shop and have a basic t-shirt cost you $25. I decided on my way home to just make what I have work for now. I have a whole collection of shirts at various sizes hanging in my closet just waiting for me to slip into them. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I am just going to use the clothes I have already bought (and some never worn) as motivation. I've got a couple really cute things in there just waiting for me.

Our house still hasn't sold. We had a couple interested buyers right when we listed it in mid-May, but things have really slowed down now. We may have to drop our price by a couple grand but decided to wait until after July 4th to make that move. We really aren't in any hurry to move so we can afford to wait. It's not hurting us to stay put. The only outside factor we are considering is the house a couple doors down -- it was bought about six weeks ago and is clearly being flipped. There is a guy that comes over most days and works a few hours -- from what we can tell, they are installing all new interior doors, a new deck, and siding the house. The house is basically the same size as ours but doesn't have a garage or fence. We want to sell before they are listed because we just can't compete with a totally updated home.

Tonight I am meeting some gals at a local pottery place to paint pottery. It's my first time doing that so I am looking forward to it. Otherwise, the weekend is full of family events as my Mom's birthday and Father's Day usually fall on the same weekend.

That Pesky Scale

2011-06-13T08:06:00.001-05:00

I set my "official" weigh-in day for Friday. I have been weighing myself every day for the most part, but Friday would be the day I recorded it and counted it as official. I don't know that I will continue to weigh myself every day for the rest of my life, but I committed to 90 days of just that. And actually, once we are moved into a home where there is a master bathroom, it will be easier than it is now. Right now, our scale lives in the kitchen. Our bathroom isn't big enough to leave the scale out on the floor, so it's on the tile floor in the kitchen. I have to walk downstairs and de-robe there every morning. Once we are moved (hopefully sooner than later), we will have a master bathroom (it's on our must-have list) and will hopefully have enough floor space there or in a main bathroom to leave a scale out.

So I reported a weight loss of 1.4 pounds last week. On Saturday morning, I got up and around and went downstairs to make coffee. I hopped on the scale and saw 276.4! That would actually mean a loss of 3 pounds! This seems to always happen to me. I know it's all the same in the end, but I love being able to report big numbers.

I actually missed my daily weigh-in this morning, so I don't know if I held on to that 276ish or not. I did not exercise over the weekend like I would have liked to, and I really struggle to drink my water on weekends. I need to attach my water bottle to my hip on the weekends. During the week, it sits on my desk all day calling my name.

Regardless of all that, I am ready for another great week and wish you the same!

Weigh In

2011-06-10T09:17:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 279.4
Weight Last Week: 279.4
Weight This Week: 278
Loss: -1.4

I am moving further and further away from that dreaded 280 pound mark. I kinda had a little freak out when I saw that number on the scale hit 279+. Being in the 280s would mean another decade for me, and that scared me. In my mind, it meant I was closer and closer to 300. It also meant that I weigh twice what my healthy weight should be. It may be part of what propelled me to have success this week.

I exercised three times this week: swimming on Monday, treadmill on Wednesday, walked the dogs on Thursday. Going into this week, I wanted to do more. What I am realizing though is this: three times this week is a success for me. It is three more times than what I was doing before! And it is about what I was doing back in the day when I had lost a good amount of weight and was below 200. It is also more realistic than expecting this body to jump into four or five difficult workouts when I have been pretty sedentary for so long.

You'll notice I've added a more official account of my weigh in. I have been weighing in every single day, but I will continue to record my official weight on Fridays and report it here. Akin to the Weight Watchers leader, I want and need to be accountable to someone. You'll also notice that I included my start weight of 279.4. This really is my highest weight, and when I get down to 170 or 160 or 150 or whatever feels right, it'll be that number that I use in calculating pounds lost. I can't wait to say I have lost 100 pounds, but I'll settle for 10 right now.

Happy Weekend!

Down Down Down

2011-06-09T11:28:00.001-05:00

And the number on the scale keeps going down, down, down.

I went to the gym last night after dinner and had intentions of walking for about 40 minutes. I made it to 32 minutes. I was okay at first, and even did two one-minute bouts of a slow run. But as I progressed, I began to experience pain in my shins, calves, and feet. All this extra weight I am carrying was clearly putting a strain on my legs and feet. So I took it a little easier than I had planned and walked 1.5 miles in 32 minutes. Going forward, I will focus on swimming and the elliptical machine more. My biggest fear is that the heel pain I had last fall will return. Until I get to a lower weight, I might have to limit my treadmill time.

Food yesterday was good also. I do need to get better at anticipating the hunger I feel after a workout. I did not get home and showered until 8:30, so at 9:00 I was starving. I made myself a nutri-grain waffle with butter and lite syrup. It fills me up and still gives me that sweet bite I look for in the evening. I just need to plan my day better to allow for a 150-200 calorie snack after a workout, as that snack put me slightly over my limit yesterday (nevermind the cookies from Panera Bread I had at lunch).

I'm getting there, kids! I am seeing success and learning. I feel good about my efforts this week and look forward to seeing how I fair for a final weigh-in.

A Good Day

2011-06-08T10:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a good day. I planned and executed a filling, well-balanced meal plan. I did not snack needlessly in the afternoon. This morning, I stepped on the scale (like I do every morning) and the number is going down.

Today, I plan on either swimming or walking at the gym. Sometimes I just gotta see what I feel like when I get there. It's way too hot to walk the dogs at home unless I wait until 7:30-8:00, which is okay too.

A New Week

2011-06-07T08:53:00.000-05:00

A new week is upon us, and I am generally off to a good start. I ate well during the day yesterday even though someone left powdered donuts in the break room (yum). I did have two with my coffee, but I am okay with that. I could have easily sat there and wolfed down the entire bag.

Breakfast and lunch were good. Then I went swimming, and that was great. My 24 Hour Fitness offers an Auquatic Zumba class on Monday evenings, but I wasn't really feeling that so I showed up just as that class was leaving to kinda see how many participants there were. Looks like a good group of mostly ladies going to that class, so I might try it next week. Last night though, I just swam for 30 minutes. It felt awesome to move my body in the water. My arms and legs are a little sore this morning.

I love swimming, but I gotta say that it is sort of a pain in the arse. You gotta pack up a towel, and dry clothes (don't forget the undies), and a comb, and decide if you are going to shower there or when you get home, etc. Afterward, you have this wet swimming suit and wet towel. I'll need to purchase some things to help me on my journey if I plan on swimming a couple days a week -- goggles, another towel, and a swim cap. Or a hair cut -- I have long hair right now, which I like on most days, but it is a pain in the neck for swimming so I either need to cut it off or invest in a cap. I recently purchased a Wet Suit Bag from Uncommon Goods. I tried it last night and love it! Took care of that age-old conundrum of the wet suit in a dry bag.

When I got home I showered and made dinner, and the wheels fell off. I wanted to try a recipe I found for a chimichurri. It was to go with the flank steak I had set out in the morning. The steak was delicious, but the recipe felt off as I was preparing it. It called for oregano, cilantro, garlic and onion totaling about 1 cup. As for liquids, it called for 1 cup of olive oil and 1/3 cup of vinegar. I thought that seemed off -- like that's a lot of olive oil! But I decided to trust the recipe and poured it all into the Magic Bullet and gave it whirl. Afterward, I was supposed to saute it in some butter. Well, it did not sautee -- it simmered because it was so liquidy. I let it reduce quite a bit, but it just wasn't good.

After our late dinner, I just felt hungry. Instead of locating a healthy choice in the fridge I munched on some kettle chips. I was still okay on calories for the day, but I wish I had been able to make a better snacking choice last evening or had just gone to bed.

Summer Reading

2011-06-06T11:54:00.000-05:00

(and two posts in one day)

If you're looking for a light summer read check out The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. It's an adolescent literature title but is quite good! The other upside to reading teen lit is this: the type font is usually larger than books aimed toward an adult audience, which makes it easier to read while you're moving on a bike, elliptical machine, or treadmill.

Activity Challenge

2011-06-06T08:39:00.000-05:00

One of my biggest cheerleaders in this fight against the fat is my best friend, Kelly. We have been friends since we were wee lads. We have spent most of our friendship living apart from each other but are still the closest of friends.

So when she suggested an activity challenge to help keep me on track, I was stoked. Beginning yesterday, her and I will record our activity minutes. At the end of four weeks, the more active friend will be rewarded with a gift card. Same thing after eight weeks.

I like a little bit of friendly competition as much as the next girl and am actually less concerned with winning and more concerned with just keeping up! As a mother of two active little boys, I am impressed that Kelly has recently worked very hard to incorporate more activity into her life and has made significant progress on the scale. If she can make it happen in her schedule, then I can make it happen in mine!

Thanks Kelly! All my love to you!

TGIF

2011-06-03T08:01:00.000-05:00

I can never understand why short weeks seem to go by so slowly! This week should have flown by, but it dragged. Every day felt like an eternity. Alas, here we are at Friday.

I really had a pretty good week. I don't have much more to say about it than that -- I ate decent and moved some. I can't really complain, and I saw a loss on the scale for the week. The momentum I am gaining can only be a positive thing, and my goal is to stay focused through the weekend so I don't have to undo a bunch of damage unnecessarily.

------------------------------

I had my a follow-up CT scan done yesterday, and the results are already in. I am 99.9% okay. My enlarged spleen has shrunk some. It is still larger than average, but the doctor is not concerned about it. This time, they looked closer at my chest because they saw a nodule on my left lung last time. It appears it is mutliple nodules, but the radiologist is certain they are benign. Still, I will return for another chest scan in December to look one more time. I feel pretty good about it. It calms my fears that there is not some sort of strange virus floating through my veins untreated. I have felt better as well. The fatigue has been ten times better.

The house -- the house. We want to sell. Heck, we just want someone to look at it! We had really great activity at the beginning and even had one couple back for a second look (but resulted in no offer). Then Memorial Day Weekend came, and we expected it to be slow over the holiday. But since then, nothing. Nothing for the weekend (yet). We see most activity on weekend afternoons, so I get a little excited every time my Blackberry tells me I have an email. I think it might be our realtor scheduling a showing, but it isn't. Our agent said it's still slow -- lots of schools are graduating their seniors this weekend, and families take vacations this time of year. I hope she's right when she says it'll pick up in the next couple weeks.

Our biggest downfall is our kitchen, so we might spend some time pricing some small upgrades we can make to make it look more appealing. We have no interest in gutting the kitchen and starting over. If we're going that route, we'll just stay put for a while. But we would be willing to put in some new counter tops and back splash. Believe me, there is very limited counter space, so the expense would be minimal!

Carrying Baggage

2011-06-01T11:59:00.000-05:00

This morning I was making the (longer than normal) uphill trek from my parking spot to my work building. I threw a hardback novel in my purse and set out. What I noticed was that just the additional weight of that book in my purse made my walk more difficult.

Obviously I have thought about how carrying around this extra weight is hurting my body before, but today I really thought about it. That book can't weigh more than a pound (did you know that the average hardbound novel weighs just under one pound?). And here I am carrying around 140 extra pounds. The damage I am doing to my knees, my heart, my feet, my back, and my emotions is not okay.

It's not okay. It's not okay to expect my body to continue to function well with this extra baggage. It's not okay to ask my husband to keep putting off pregnancy because I can't get my shit together. It's not okay for me to accept this.

I deserve better than 270 pounds. I deserve better than constantly feeling self-conscious in my clothes, in my skin, in my bathing suit. I deserve better than worrying in every situation what others must think of me. I deserve better than waking up in the morning and already feeling so tired and overwhelmed with the day ahead of me.

It's one thing to do all of this talking and writing about what I should or should not be doing. Heck, I've been doing that for years. I have to do more than that. I have to actually take action. I spent some time this morning plotting a course for myself. Thankfully, our refrigerator is fully stocked with healthy options, and I have access to a gym, to dogs that love to walk, and to a husband who will always take me on in a tennis match.

This is my course:
~Weigh and record daily. I want to see how my body reacts to stimuli. What happens if I have a high sodium dinner? What happens if I exercise? What happens if I have a glass of wine with dinner? I don't know that I will continue to weigh daily in the long-term, but I am committing to 90 days of it.
~Plan (and then execute) exercise. This week: two 20 minute walks with the dogs and one visit to the gym for a 30 minute swim. Next week: three 20 minute walks, two swims, and one other incidental bout of activity (whether it's tennis, yard work, Wii, etc).
~Log everything I eat. No matter how good or bad.

What I'm Eating

2011-05-31T09:28:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new month, and it also marks the anniversary of this blog -- I may not have made my first post on June 1st, but I began processing and brainstorming ideas and goals for this blog right around this time last year.

This week, my goal is to focus on eating the right things. Next week, I'll begin to focus on incorporating activity back into my life (for a couple reasons that I look forward to sharing with you).

Here's what I'm eating on a regular basis (not necessarily all at once):

Breakfast:
Fresh Fruit: mango, banana, grapes, berries, pineapple
Hard-Boiled Eggs
Land O'Lakes Medium Cheddar Cheese Snacks
Trader Joe's Multi-Grain Waffles

Lunch:
Chobani Greek Yogurt
Trader Joe's Carne Asada (in the frozen section)
Taco Salad
Smart Ones Entrees
More Fresh Fruit
Fresh Vegetables: baby carrots, cucumbers, bell peppers

Dinner:
Omaha Steaks lean cuts of beef and pork
Chicken Breast cooked 800 different ways
Grilled/Roasted Vegetables (potatoes, red onions, bell peppers tossed in olive oil and seasoning)
Corn on the Cob
Steamed Veggies (from the prepared baggies in the freezer aisle)

Snacks:
94% Fat Free Popcorn
Smart Ones Frozen Desserts
Cucumber Mango Salsa w/Corn Chips
Nature Valley Sweet n Salty Granola Bars

Starting Line

2011-05-25T09:55:00.000-05:00

I am not really sure where to start. How to start this post. How to start again. How to keep starting. How to start every day.

I got off to such a great start last week and saw results on the scale. I started to lose focus toward the end of the week, and by the time the weekend was here I was totally off plan. I went into Monday with a fresh outlook but woke up feeling achy, tired, and icky so I stayed home from work. I slept most of the morning away but snacked my way through the afternoon. Yesterday, I did just fine at work but ate like a hog throughout the evening.

I can chalk it all up to my monthly visitor, sure, but I don't think that is at fault for all of this.

The problem is that I don't know how to fix what I think is at the root of my emotional eating -- loneliness. I crave interaction with other women, and I just don't have that right now. In the past year or so, some important female friendships have fallen apart. Some because it was best for me, and some for reasons I can't determine. My sisters are so important to me, but life has put a wedge between us -- one is a Mom and working full-time and trying to figure that all out. The other is in her own world right now -- she's just pulled away from all of us really. I just don't feel like I have that one good girlfriend that I can meet for happy hour or sit on the back porch with and just gab, gossip, and laugh.

And frankly, I need that. I want that. So instead of blogging, exercising, or becoming involved in activities that might include other women, I tend to withdraw and internalize it. Somehow I must not be a good friend, must not be fun, must not be interesting, must not be loyal enough, must not be trustworthy.

My husband and I talk and laugh together, a lot. I love him dearly and look forward to his insights more than anyone else. And I have my best friend, Kelly, but she is way too far away from me.

I have found myself trying to force the connection with other gals in the past, and it just doesn't work. I know food is not the answer, but I continue to turn to it for comfort and warmth. I have to break that cycle, but I just don't know where to start to be honest. I know a lot about dieting and nutrition, but that isn't the problem. The problem is bigger than that.

Week in Review

2011-05-20T08:40:00.002-05:00

It's Friday at last. This week seemed to drag by for me. Summer weeks tend to drag by, actually. My job is highly focused on students actually being on campus, so when they go home for the summer things get very quiet around here. I have things I need to be doing to prepare for next year, but I am easily distracted. The next two weeks are four day weeks for me since I took Friday, the 27th, off. Looking forward to two short work weeks and a long weekend!

My parking lot at work was closed as of Monday so the university and city can do some work (i.e. moving an entire street to make way for more buildings). So, I got banished from my parking lot and moved another block away from my building for the summer. And it's all up hill in the morning! Let me tell you -- I thought I was going to die on Monday morning when I made that trek the first time. Tuesday, I got smart and only wore a t-shirt in. Once I cooled down, I pulled my sweater on for the day. It got easier every day. This morning, I walked up that hill without being so winded. And when I was stopped by a hospital visitor looking for directions, I was actually able to answer her without gasping for air.

The asparagus pizza we made last night was really good! That is, once we were able to actually prepare and cook it. I went to Trader Joe's as Sarah over at Fat Little Legs suggested I pick up a refrigerated dough, and I was pleased that I was able to find all of the other items on my list there too. I forgot, however, that I had packed my rolling pin and sent it off to the storage unit. So, I liberally floured our counter top and used a wine bottle instead. But then I began to clean and cut the asparagus and realized I also packed my vegetable peeler (necessary for shaving it). Husband was stopping by the storage unit, so he was able to locate the kitchen utensils and brought that home to me. In the end, we had some trouble getting the dough off the counter and onto the pizza stone (suggestions?). But it still baked up very nicely and was tasty! If you like asparagus, you'll like this. It was very similar to eating a white pizza, but the asparagus added a new twist. We would definitely make this again, but I think I'd be more likely to do it as an appetizer for a family get together or a friends' night in.

Of the four days passed, I did really well on three of them. Monday through Wednesday were stellar in my food intake. Yesterday, I struggled a little bit. I didn't pack enough to keep me full at work, so I was hungry as I left work and headed to Trader Joes. I stopped by my favorite coffee shop and got a fruit smoothie. Once home, it was touch and go. I didn't have any trouble preparing the pizza and doing some other prep work in the kitchen without sneaking some bites. The pizza was delicious, but I still felt hungry after dinner. So I had a banana with some peanut butter. And then I had a small snack size bag of Cheetos. And a glass of wine. Grr. I will log it all this morning and face the music.

I know a couple little mishaps won't trip me up for the whole week, but I am just nervous that I won't be able to get through the weekend like I did most of the week. I really struggle to stay on plan over the weekends.

Asparagus Pizza, You Say?

2011-05-19T12:17:00.000-05:00

Ya'll, I am making asparagus pizza for dinner tonight. It was not on our original meal plan, but when I saw the recipe for it over at Annie's Eats, I had to try it. My husband and I both really like asparagus, so it's a win win situation.

Annie makes her own pizza dough, but I just don't have the counter space, the tools, or the desire to do that just yet. So I am going to purchase refrigerated dough and hope it doesn't suck. The picture she has posted looks so good. I think adding some diced chicken would be awesome too! I'll let you know how it goes.

This Is It

2011-05-18T08:35:00.000-05:00

Today is Day Three of my new and improved focus, drive, and commitment. So far, so good!

On Monday, I planned all of my meals for the day and was well within my calorie range for the day. I was deliberate in packing my breakfast and lunch before leaving for work. I took a minute to analyze what I had set out for myself and made changes to make sure I was preparing for myself a well-rounded day. I had four servings of fruit/vegetables on Monday.

Yesterday was a little more challenging because I knew that my husband's company would be taking us out to dinner at one of the best steakhouses in Omaha. I was diligent in packing low calorie, filling foods for the day. I had fruit for breakfast and a taco salad with a ton of lettuce for lunch. I went into the steakhouse with a plan, and I think I did okay. I had one glass of wine. I ate one slice of bread. I went easy on the dressing on my salad. I ordered the 7 ounce sirloin because it was the smallest steak on the menu, and yes folks, I ate it all (like lick the fork and plate it was so good)! I ordered the steamed vegetable (asparagus last night) instead of the loaded baked potato (though it was tempting). My husband ordered a piece of vanilla bean cheesecake, and I had three bites. It was all delicious, and I am just glad I didn't have to pony up for that bill!

I weighed in at 274.2 on Monday morning. I was down to 273.6 on Tuesday morning. I was a little nervous to step on the scale this morning, even though I was pretty sure I hadn't gained six pounds overnight even though I ate 7 ounces of steak. And I am okay with what I saw! 273.4 That's okay. Going to The Drover and having this kind of meal is a occasional event, and it is life. I have to be able to fit this in, and I think I did pretty well.

I haven't had any real activity to speak of yet this week. I babysat my nephew on Monday evenings so we did some playing, but I know I need to start thinking about incorporating back into my life some trips around the neighborhood with the dogs, some trips to the gym, or some meetings with the Wii Fit. I also know I need to start thinking about how I'll tackle training for the Race for the Cure in October, but right now I just need to get back to a place where I can handle more activity.

Race for the Cure

2011-05-16T11:59:00.000-05:00

I have registered to run the Komen Race for the Cure in Omaha on October 2, 2011! I am excited, nervous, scared, anxious, willing, and hopeful! I have every intention of running (running/walking if necessary) that 5k. It is one of the goals I listed for 2011 and is close to my heart too since my grandmother, two aunts, and a cousin on my Dad's side of the family have battled breast cancer. Grandma has since passed, and at the center of her health battles was breast cancer.

This is also about me. This is about me having an ultimate goal in sight as I move toward a fitter, more active (and skinnier) me. And it's about doing something for my community. Since I left teaching, I have felt like I am not doing anything positive to impact my community. I have wrestled with the fact that I was not volunteering my time or energy to a worthy cause. Until now. I have created a team and will be recruiting team members and raising funds.

I owe some of this to Kelly, my best friend. She has done the race for years and provided me with some inspiration in just jumping in and doing this. Thanks Kelly!

Please click on the Komen Race for the Cure logo to the right to view my Team Page!

Let's Be Real

2011-05-15T07:59:00.000-05:00

It's time for me to get real with myself about what it takes to lose this weight. I've been losing and gaining the same five or six pounds for almost a year now. And earlier this week when I hopped on the scale just to see where I was and saw closer to 275 than to 270, I knew I needed to get a hold of myself. Skinny people wonder how someone becomes 250 or 300 pounds.

This is how.

By putting yourself last. I have spent too much time pleasing others -- being available to help sister make wedding programs when I should be walking; meeting a friend for drinks and partaking when I know that alcohol is full of empty calories; diving into preparing our house to sell even though my doctor strictly said no heavy lifting and no contact sports and generally to take it easy (due to the enlarged spleen).

By ignoring the signals and signs that all point to getting fatter. I sent my best friend a text on Friday telling her that either my sweater shrunk or I was getting fatter. It was a joke of sorts, but honestly I have this black sweater that is one of my favorites, and it felt snug; the arms seemed suddenly to be too short; and it came down lower on my waistline than it had just a month or two ago. The sweater is not getting smaller people, I have gained weight!

By lying to myself about what my body needs to lose weight. Somehow, I convinced myself in the last six to eight weeks that it is okay to eat crap as long as I eat it in smaller quantities. So Pop-Tarts are a better breakfast than fruit and oatmeal if I don't have a small snack after lunch. It's okay to stop and get that blended coffee if I only had a slice of cheese for lunch.

It's time to stop this train. And believe me, I know a train is hard to stop. You gotta start slowing that train down long before you want it to come to rest. I've already been doing that -- thinking ahead, planning, and preparing myself. It was Wednesday that I was shocked to see 276 on the scale and realized that I was inching slowly closer to 300 pounds if I didn't stop what I was doing. I spent the last couple days really thinking about why I am here and how I need to change directions. I gave myself some time to slow down my momentum. And now I am at rest. It's Sunday -- it's the beginning of a new calendar week. It's time to restart this engine and change tracks. It's time for me to push myself in the right direction.

My road map if you will: the right foods into my mouth. That simple. I have to stop allowing crap to go into my mouth. I have strawberries and pineapple to dice and toss together. I have baby carrots divided up into snack size bags. I have purged the refrigerator of trigger foods. I have made a pact to plan a dinner menu for the week ahead with my husband. I have devoted my Sunday morning to going back to Calorie King to revisit the lessons there and get this head on straight.

--------------------------------------------------

The very first couple that looked at our house on Friday evening is coming back today for a second look, and we have a new buyer coming to check it out too.

We're Listed!

2011-05-12T08:22:00.000-05:00

Because I am sure you are tired of hearing about it and because my husband and I are tired of preparing for it, this will be the last time I post about our house being for sale until it actually sells or something. I knew going into this that we had some work to do -- two major jobs which we hired out and a lot of little things around the house. We did a lot of painting of baseboards and window trim; moving stuff to storage; touching up paint; changing hardware; landscaping and planting flowers (orange and yellows -- sources say it evokes a buying impulse); cleaning windows; and moving furniture to maximize space.

Yesterday, we had our carpets clean and are amazed by how great they look. We've had the same carpet for the entire six years we've lived in our home, and with three dogs it just gets dirty. We should have had them professionally cleaned a long time ago because the machine we rented from the grocery store just doesn't do the job a professional steam cleaner can.

It's a ton of work! So when you are already tired and preparing for your sister's wedding, do not try to sell your house. I repeat -- do not try to sell your house when you are sick and prepping for a major event in your family's history. But we're here. We arrived and the sign is in the yard.

I feel like I can finally breathe now even though we're going to be in that condition of having the home show-ready for however long it takes to sell. I feel like I can begin to really focus on my calorie intake and start to incorporate deliberate activity into my evenings and weekends instead of relying on the incidental calorie burn that comes with all of the work we were doing. In moving out an old faux leather couch from the basement we freed up some space for me to use the Wii again too!

I need to weigh myself to find out where I am right now, but I am still holding on to that goal of getting down to 264ish by the end of the month.

A Quick Update

2011-05-09T09:32:00.001-05:00

The treadmill is dissembled. We had to do it to sell our house. It's in like five pieces in the garage.

but

I have a gym membership and dogs to take on walks.

I still do not feel totally satisfied with the answers I am receiving from my doctors

but

I think we are closer to finding some answers, and best of all, I am feeling better. The fatigue has subsided in a major way recently.

I have been watching my caloric intake and tracking in Calorie King on a semi-regular basis

but

I have not been meeting my nutritional goals in regards to fiber intake and the number of fruits and veggies I consume each day.

My husband and I are so ready to have our house on the market (and hopefully sold soon after)

but

I dread the lifestyle change required of us during this time. To live every day with our house in showing condition will likely wear on me quickly.

The 2010-2011 school year has come to a close for our medical students as of today

and

I welcome the summer and a new school year on the horizon.

Sneak Peek

2011-04-30T08:37:00.002-05:00

271.4 on the scale this morning. That's three pounds gone since the beginning of the week. Great way to start the weekend!

Get My Goal On

2011-04-29T08:32:00.000-05:00

Sunday is May 1st already. Where has the year gone? This year already: my husband started a new job; we celebrated a year since my Dad's hospitalization and recovery; my nephew turned one year old; my step-dad was hospitalized with pericardial effusion; a close friend and her husband separated; my sister got married; and we've prepared our house to be sold. The year is nearly half way over!

When I was at the docotor's office last week, my physician asked me to have my blood pressure monitored two to three times a week. It is usually right at normal, but on the 1st and 19th of April it was slightly elevated. She said to me that just five or ten pounds can affect a person's blood pressure. She encouraged me to drop a few pounds and see if that gets it back to normal. I've talked to my doctor before about weight loss, so she knows I am concerned about it too, but this is the first time I might really be faced with how my obesity is affecting my health. It should come as no surprise to me that my blood pressure is high when I am at my highest weight.

I see the GI doctor next week and will go back to my physician in early June after having images taken (again) of my abdomen and chest. I'd like to step on the scale in my doctor's office and have lost at least ten pounds.

So my goals for May:
~ten pounds gone (264ish)
~limit eating out to once a week (our wallets will thank us too*)
~walk the dogs three times a week

*The City of Omaha passed an ordinance at the beginning of this year that allowed the city to tax diners in restaurants at a higher rate. I do not have a problem with this approach to paying down the city's deficit. I would rather pay a little more for my coffee on Friday mornings in order to receive quality trash service, timely snow removal, and good roads. But man! That small tax increase makes a big difference in the total bill for my husband and I to dine in a restaurant! Word on the street is that it is a temporary tax, but I'm not holding my breath.

I Had a Moment

2011-04-28T12:58:00.000-05:00

I had a moment yesterday evening while I was flipping channels. I was actually waiting for a new episode of Extreme Couponing to start on TLC (Have you seen this show? I mean really!). I happened to land on Khloe and Lamar -- as in Khloe Kardashian and her hunky husband. In the scene, Khloe is flipping out because Lamar left the kitchen a mess. She starts to go postal and cries. When he gets her calmed down, she reveals that it really has nothing to do with the mess in the kitchen but that she felt like she was messing up with "this Quick Trim thing" and that she is just tired of being fat. She called herself disgusting.

Let me just say that I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be Khloe's size. She's super cute, but she also gets a lot of crap for being the fat sister. Her sisters are twigs so there's some big picture lacking there, I suppose.

1. I am sure that comments about her being beastly or being called the fat sister do hit home, whether she is a reality TV star or not. But I never would have guessed that someone as beautiful as her saw herself as disgusting. It just reminded me that everyone has insecurities, no matter the size of their waist. 2. If she is that disgusting, what does that make me? I've written before about how I don't really know what size I am. I know I am bigger than Khloe Kardashian -- that much is true. But it just made me wonder why I didn't see myself getting "disgusting" earlier. How come I wasn't able to see in high school or college that the extra 20 pounds I was carrying around was unhealthy and slowing me down? Why does that response kick in for some people at 150 pounds and others at 190 and others still at 450?

So some tears came down my face, partially because I want to want to be thinner. And because I am tired of assuming that my weight is the first and only thing people see about me. That may or may not be true, but I am tired still of assuming it is the case (and I know it says a lot about how I determine my own self-worth -- got that).

Let me elaborate: I do want to be thinner, absolutely. The problem is that I can't seem to find that drive to actually do the work it'll take to lose this weight. I want to respond to the feeling of my knees hurting or being out of breath with an action response. I want to take action and lose this weight, but I am still stuck just being still. Part of it is due to the fatigue I am experiencing, but I also know that fatigue will dissipate as I shed pounds.

And I am tired of feeling like people see me as disgusting, lazy, and fat. I want them to see me for who I am -- not the size I wear. And I want to see myself in a more positive light. I want to be okay just as I am.

The Results

2011-04-25T12:37:00.000-05:00

I've struggled over the past week or so with deciding how much to share with my readers about the results of the medical tests I've had over the past couple weeks. Might it be good for me to let it all out? But at what price? My privacy? My time? My emotions? I feel like once I release all of the details, then I'll also be responsible for updating you as I work with my doctors to find answers.

So, I am going to keep it simple. My sedimentation rate has only come down slightly. My CT scan showed two areas of concern -- the spleen and the lung. Neither of them are life threatening at this time and will be watched closely for any change. My blood pressure has been high recently, so I am watching that more closely as well. (Thankfully, I have easy access to professionals who can take my blood pressure regularly since I work on a medical school campus.) I see a GI doctor next week, and he will take all of the testing I have already had done into account and move forward. Otherwise, I'm back to the radiologist in six weeks for another round of images. This time, at least, we can pinpoint the spleen and lungs.

I feel okay. I am still tired. But at least I know that my fatigue is related to this, and I am not just lazy or depressed. It gives me permission to nap when I need to without feeling guilty.

------------------------

My sister's wedding went very well. There were no major hiccups, and the bride and groom looked great and had a wonderful time. Isn't that what really matters? We had a busy weekend with family in town, rehearsals, running errands, and opening gifts. I am back at work today but sure could have used one more day off!

Our focus now is on getting our house ready for the market. May 9th is our goal date!

I've also found a renewed commitment to my weight loss efforts (that is why you are here, isn't it?). I weighed in today after a few weeks off and found a new starting point. Ick! My doctor said even just five or ten pounds can make a difference in a person's blood pressure, so I am curious to see if getting back to the 260s gets it back to the normal range.

Thanks so much for all of your comments and messages of support!

Where I've Been

2011-04-18T10:16:00.000-05:00

I don't know where my mind is lately. It definitely is not on counting calories and tracking my nutrients. I have not gone off the deep end completely, but I am not doing everything I can to make forward progress.

And I guess I do know where my mind is lately. It's on my sister's wedding. It's on Saturday. We've been busy having parties, doing projects like making programs and things, getting dresses hemmed, and making appointments to get the eyebrows waxed.

It's on getting the house ready to sell. Thankfully, the projects we have to do keep me moving. So while I am lost in painting the trim around windows, changing out kitchen hardware, or sorting clothes for Goodwill, I am moving at the least.

It's also obsessing a little bit about what is going on with my health. I have a follow up appointment tomorrow mid-day. My doctor's office called last week and asked me to come in to discuss the results of my labs and my CT scan. I figured it's bad if they want me to come in to see her. If it were normal, the nurse would have just said so. So, then I obsess and become paranoid. I looked at my own CT scan. Honestly, I did. And even though I work in a medical school, I do not know the first thing about human anatomy or reading the results of a CT scan. But I pointed out spots and things that looked "wrong" to my sister. She's a health care professional, but again, she is not a radiologist.

*Side note: When you are injected with contrast dye during a CT scan, it is warm. And you can feel it travel through your veins. It is the strangest sensation. And when it hits your bladder, you are pretty sure you have peed your pants. But then the nurse tells you that it's okay, and you have not just tinkled all over a multi-thousand dollar machine. Thank goodness!

The nurse back at my doctor's office says she would like me to come in to meet with the doctor. She says it's not like I need to come in that day, but that I should get in soon. WTF? My doctor's partner was on vacation, so tomorrow was the earliest available appointment with my PCP. That comforts me some to know she is not so concerned that she is willing to wait a week to see me, but I am anxious about it nonetheless.

That's where I've been. I hate to admit it, but my weight is just stagnating. It's pretty consistent right now. I think I need to just stay the course right now, and after the wedding I'll be able to really get back to counting calories and really paying close attention to the food choices I am making. And until then, I'll hope like hell that I am not dying of some strange disease. And that I am not pregnant. (babies yes, babies while obese no -- babies with 1000+ hours of sick time yes, babies with 45 hours of sick time no)

A Good Read

2011-04-15T08:44:00.000-05:00

If you're looking for a good blog to read at work while you appear busy, check out MODG. It's good stuff -- it's funny, it's inappropriate, it'll have you coming back for more.

Seeing Progress

2011-04-11T09:52:00.000-05:00

We're beginning to make major progress in getting our house ready for the market. My step-dad painted our office last week, and on Sunday I painted the living room. I used muscles yesterday I haven't used in years. It took me most of the day to get the room painted as I had to do two coats. I think it turned out well. I have some touch up to do on the ceiling, but for an amateur, I do okay! We just keep pecking away at our list of small projects, and I feel like I am starting to see an end to it all. No more major projects in April because we're out of money! Anything that requires supplies will have to wait until May. This week: thinning out our closets -- some stuff to storage, some to Goodwill; packing up items that are just clutter to a buyer.

I am also seeing progress on the scale. I was up to 273ish at the beginning of last week with a short, small addiction to Easter candy. This morning I was at 270.2. Exciting to be headed back to the 260s!

No word from the doctor's office yet.

Bet You Weren't Expecting This -- Neither Was I

2011-04-08T15:19:00.000-05:00

Some of you might think I have gone completely off the deep end and that I have totally and completely lost sight of my goals. I have not. I've just been somewhere else with my thoughts lately.

I saw my physician a week ago today because I have been experiencing extreme fatigue (think sleeping 10-12 hours a day and still feeling tired) and some gastrointestinal issues. I had my sedimentation rate checked and left with a prescription for stool softeners. I was told the office would call and let me know if my test results were elevated (read about sedimentation rates here). I should also let them know if my symptoms don't clear up with the prescription.

On Monday, the doctor's office called to let me know that my sed. rate was double the normal range. It's usually indicative of inflammation, and since I don't have any outwardly visible inflammation, it must be internal.

I had a CT Scan done yesterday and am now waiting for the radiologist to send results to my physician. Let me tell you that a CT Scan (even with the barium and contrast dye) is really no big deal.

But if I am being totally honest, I am scared. I am scared that there is something more serious going on. I am a little on edge that the nurse hasn't called to tell me the results were normal. My doc is on vacation until Tuesday - maybe they are waiting until she is back. But wouldn't her partner call me if it was a big deal?

Back in 2006, I had a colonoscopy done. A few polyps were removed and biopsied -- none of them were cancerous. Both of my parents have had normal colonoscopies in the past couple years. These are all things I have going for me, but that doubtful voice still creeps in sometimes. I can't help but think about whether or not to tell the family before or after my sister's wedding if it's bad news. I think about how it might affect my ability to become pregnant. I wonder if I am just being dramatic.

So I am here -- I am just waiting and trying to be positive. My gut tells me everything is fine, and my gut is right pretty much most of the time. I am eating a high fiber diet, still working on the house, and balancing all of that with the rest my body craves right now. I may not be any smaller for my sister's wedding, but the dress I picked out looks really nice on me. I am losing very very slowly, but I am still losing. It's okay right now. Until I can find a happy place with this digestive track of mine, it's okay.

Watch Sarah Shrink

Broken Record

Watch Sarah Exercise

Recipe: Longhorn Delight 0.5

Friday Weigh In

To A Screeching Halt

A Good Start

Brownie a la Mode

F U Facebook

PSA: Want to lose weight? Stop stuffing your fat face and exercise (not eat until you balloon to 3 bills, get a lap band then accept all compliments like you actually did something). Happy NY ;)

Need to have patience while I wait for the resolutioners to slowly quit the Y so us regulars can have our damn machines back!!

way to lose weight...DON'T BUY A BIGGER SIZE!! when they get tight stop eating and start exercising.

I don't care if you do put a little winky face after your post. You're still a jerk.

That poster is also someone who is very thin. She always presented herself as an open, kind, caring person to me. Open-minded. Thoughtful. My opinion of her has changed dramatically after that post because now I know who she really is. Shallow. Ignorant. Rude.

This is just a sampling of the commentary I see every day. It's maddening to me that some individuals are so inconsiderate and unkind. Would these people say these things to my face? No. Probably not.

Going Forward

What's In Your Grocery Cart?

Refreshed

Finals

Consistency

Organic

Commitment Phobia

It's Not Just Me

When the Scale Doesn't Move

My Favorite Things

Weekly Weigh In

My fitbook

The Beast in the Basement

Upgrading

They Say It's Your Birthday

Sunday Update

Sickies

Weigh In: September 30

Countdown to the Race for the Cure

Weigh In: September 23

Then What?

Walking in the Rain

Weigh In: September 16

My bodybugg

To Answer Your Question...

Weigh In

My Own Roadblock

Confidence

September 2 Weigh In

Planning Ahead

Weigh In August 26

A Set Back

August 19 Weign In

Doing My Best

August 12 Weigh In

Working It

A New Week

Review: Couch to 5K Android Apps

Weekly Weigh In

Making Plans

I Did It!

Fear

Winning

iTunes Will Not Win

Checking In

July 22 Weigh In

Calorie Cycling Day Four

Freedom

Motivation

Weigh In

Crossroads

The Every Day Weigh In

Calorie Cycling

Baby, It's Hot Outside

It Ain't Pretty

Post-Holiday Weekend Detox

Drum Roll Please

Too Soon for a Happy Dance?

Rewards

Sunday Mornings

Weigh In

Say What?

Scale Wars

Monday Fun Day

Weigh In